Ok. I know. It's a frightening picture. I was actually bored, waiting in line in a drive thru. I just dropped of Holly-Pants and Lisha-Face after a girls night out. All we really did was go to a coffee house where I worked in college (my first time back since!) and them we visited RIC and Holly hugged the anchor. And we talked about how stupid high school can be but how much you miss it when you realize how much harder the rest of your life is.
I'm hanging out with Mom tomorrow! She is taking the day off from work and we are making a day of it! I so excited!
I had the best acupuncture this morning! It was spectacular. She did a number on me. You know It's doing the job when you ache more when you leave than you did when you got there. I must have had 35 or 40 needles! She always thinks i'm weird because I like to know exactly how many needles are sticking out of me at all times. But I figure, you never know! She might get forgetful!

HOME is where I hang my visor.

I arrived around 8 last night. It was wonderful. Before I even went home, I drove to the Zonfrilli residence and surprised the crap out of them.
It was nice.
Everyone hugged me.
Actually, Face and Mama Zon hugged me. The men in that family don't hug me. Joe only does when I make him.
But they all said "What are YOOOOUUUU doing here?" And that was fun.
Then I went home and Ivan went WILD and tried to nibble me to pieces because he was so happy to see me. Papa was hanging out with Eric (What the hell? Can't I just have ONE day when I don't have to wonder if I look ok? I just drove 10 hours and he's at my house when I get there? I was wearing a really floppy slutty shirt and no bra. So that's what he thinks of me. Great.)
Joe and Mel both came over. Mel doesn't change. EVER. She is completely insane and we love her for it. Papa and Mel bonded while watching a documentary about Bob Dylan, who they happen to share as a musical hero. It's nice. I love that my father thinks my craziest friend is great. We were one big family last night. Me and my parents, and Joe and Mel.
Then everyone went home and I passed out on the floor, and later on the couch.
And when I got up this morning, I went to Timmy Ho Ho's and visited all my old friends there. And it was nice. And I had an iced coffee made by someone who knows how to make iced coffee, which was even better.
And had a WONDERFUL breakfast sandwich.
And then I spent a lot of money everywhere and tried to cash my Canadian paycheck, which will take some time...
Whatever.
And now I'm sitting in a cafe. Wasting time. Eating unhealthy things.
I just bought some of the COOLEST STUFF ever. From a cool place called Galapagos. And I one day when I am rich enough, I will only where clothes from the boutique upstairs because i want to be that interesting. I think I found the gown that I am going to wear at my cousin Leslie's wedding. I'm supposed to be the maid of honor, but she said she wants us all to pick out our own dresses in tropical colors and that way it will be eclectic and lovely. I LOVE that idea!
Heading back out. Check in sometime soon.

It was funny today, flying home. I felt at ease with everyone for about the last 10 minutes. We joked. We laughed. It wasn't bad.
They ignored me for the rest of the day, of course. But whatever. I don't have to see them until my next store opening. And that won't be for a while. I don't even go back into training for at least a week. (Found that out today. Yay! Agnes called Cara, who told me at the airport. And then when we got to the office, Michael told me again. Niiiice.)
I got my review today. I was expecting miserable things like "doesn't have the necessary capacity for adoration of the company," or "not suited for the stress of working with bona fide assholes."
But instead I got one "shows great skill at training one on one" and lots of "skills will improve with experience."
So that's not too bad. I honestly thought they were going to tell me to take a hike.
I'm watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Not a great movie, but Brad Pitt happens to be shirtless at the moment. He should spend much more time that way.

If you only knew how much effort it took to take this picture, you might roll you eyes at me. I'll admit. . . It is a little pathetic. But i just got this wicked cool new phone. That was so rhode island of me. Sorry.
i'm still pissed at my crew. Granted, Deb is sick. But she let me borrow the car to go get a new phone, and NEVER said that I had to have it back by 6 pm so she could go to the pharmacy. Also, Kevin Ass Hole forgot to leave the keys to the other car with the people who are going to drive it, so he made me take them all the way back to the store before going to get my new phone. so. I got the guilt trip.
i probably deserved it. or i will by the time i leave. I'm going to hear about it from Tarrah Ho Bag.
ok. I have a wicked cool new phone to play with. This thing can connect my PDA to the internet AND i can watch TV on it! Just not in Maine.

I hate that it's dark out right now. It isn't even 7:30 pm and it's pitch black.
summer is officially over today.

Stole this from Holly

[ ] I am a university student.
[X] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I am an okay dancer.
[X] I am a huge fan of lists.
[X] I am a morning person.
[X] I am a perfectionist.
[ ] I am a Republican.
[X] I am allergic to something deadly.
[ ] I am an only child.
[ ] I am Catholic.
[ ] I am content as of this moment.
[ ] I am currently in my pajamas.
[ ] I am currently pregnant.
[X] I am currently single.
[ ] I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father.
[ ] I am currently suffering from a breaking heart.
[X] I am okay at styling other people's hair.
[ ] I am left handed.
[ ] I am married.
[ ] I am obsessed with my myspace.
[X] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[X] I am procrastinating by filling out this list.
[X] I am resentful that I have to grow up.
[ ] I am very shy around the opposite sex.
[ ] I am, or was, pigeon-toed.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[X] I can be paranoid at times.
[ ] I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go.
[ ] I collect picture frames.
[X] I currently have a crush on someone.
[ ] I consider myself to be a 'nerd'.
[ ] I currently regret something that I have done/am doing.
[ ] I curse frequently.
[X] I do not believe people are inherently good or evil.
[ ] I don't hate anyone.
[ ] I enjoy country music.
[X] I enjoy ...jazz music.
[X] I enjoy smoothies.
[X] I enjoy talking on the phone.
[X] I have a car.
[X] I have a mobile phone.
[ ] I have a hard time paying attention at school.
[X] I have a hidden talent.
[X] I have a hobby.
[X] I have a lot to learn.
[X] I have a pet.
[X] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
[X] I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy.
[ ] I have all my (real) grandparents, none of them have died.
[X] I have at least one brother and/or sister.
[ ] I have avoided work to play with my myspace.
[X] I have been in a real relationship.
[X] I have been rejected by someone.
[ ] I have been the "psycho ex" in a past relationship.
[X] I have been to another country.
[ ] I have been to an anime convention.
[X] I have been to Europe.
[ ] I have been to Las Vegas.
[X] I have been told that I am very smart.
[X] I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
[ ] I have broken a bone.
[X] I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
[X] I have changed a diaper.
[X] I have changed a lot over the past year.
[ ] I have cheated on a significant other...
[X] I have counted down the days until the summer.
[ ] I have dated my best friend's ex.
[X] I have done something illegal.
[X] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[X] I have gone scuba diving/snorkling.
[X] I have had major/minor surgery.
[ ] I have had my hair cut within the last week.
[X] I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
[X] I have had the cops called on me.
[X] I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
[ ] I have kissed someone of the same sex.
[ ] I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
[X] I have mood swings.
[X] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[X] I have rejected someone before.
[ ] I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
[ ] I have seen the television show The O.C.
[X] I have swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have tried a drug that is illegal.
[ ] I have tried sushi.
[X] I have watched Sex and the City.
[X] I have watched the television show Spongebob Squarepants.
[X] I know how to shoot a gun.
[X] I like being the center of attention.
[ ] I like eating Ramen noodles.
[X] I like my handwriting.
[X] I like Shakespeare.
[ ] I like the taste of blood.
[X] I like to cook.
[X] I like to sing.
[X] I like to vacuum.
[X] I love learning foreign languages.
[ ] I love Michael Jackson.
[X] I love my friends.
[X] I love olives.
[X] I love rain.
[X] I love sleeping.
[ ] I love to play computer games.
[X] I love to shop.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[X] I own 100 CDs or more.
[ ] I own a home.
[X] I own and use a library card.
[ ] I play a musical instrument.
[ ] I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream.
[X] I read books for pleasure.
[X] I shave my legs.
[X] I sleep a lot during the day.
[X] I strongly dislike math.
[ ] I think Britney Spears is pretty.
[ ] I think long strings of html code look cool.
[ ] I think that Pizza Hut makes the best pizza.
[X] I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
[ ] I was born in a country other than the USA.
[X] I watch more TV this year than last year.
[ ] I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
[X] I wear contact lenses.
[X] I will try anything once.
[ ] I work at a job that I enjoy.
[ ] I would classify myself as ghetto.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[ ] I like orange kool aid.
[ ] I can name all 7 of the dwarfs from 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.
[ ] I like being at school.
[X] I always love wearing sweaters.
[ ] I love water polo.
[X] I am currently wearing socks.
[X] I am being nostalgic right now.
[ ] I hate summer.
[X] I am tired.
[X] I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt

Not that any of my friends didn't already know all of this...

Those Maine guys...

I have to make this quick.
They are switching me to the day shift, and I have to be back at work in about 14 minutes.
Not really. It's more like 6.5 hours, but it FEELS like 14 minutes.
Anyway, there is this GUY that keeps coming into the STORE. (I'm a little boy-crazy lately, aren't I? I can't help it.) He looks IDENTICAL to a certain someone at home who I am not at liberty to name, because I am really not supposed to kinda/sorta like him and I DO kinda/sorta like him. But he is a SUPER nice guy, stuck in a situation that is entirely wrong for him, and Joe, who is so far the only person who actually knows about this, will back me up.
But this GUY at T.H. comes in at least once everyday. And he has the same eyes, and the same body type, and the same crazy hair. And he always talks to me. Which at first I thought was because he was just being friendly, but apparently he has been asking around about me. He knows that I'll only be here till Monday. He knows that I am from RI but temporarily living in Canada. (I know that he likes chocolate chip cookies and tea, straight up. :) He keeps making conversation with me. About when I am going back, and what I do up there when I'm not at work, and am I a hockey fan, or will I become one, now that I'm spending so much time in Canada?
I TOTALLY love him.
Not really. I'm exaggerating. I think he's cute and nice, and he reminds me of said other totally unnamed, cute, nice guy.
Right.
As in, the one that is trapped, and with whom I haven't got the slightest chance.
Whatever.

Hello from the blue mesa love us !
this is the picture i received from joanne and chery tonight. I AM JEALOUS BEYOND COMPARE. Really, i think i wish i was just anywhere but here. They are starting me on days tomorrow and saturday. Then the 3 am shift on sunday. At least I know that i HAVE i to be out of the store that day. And then someone better let me go home. Dammit.

VZWPIX.COM

Changed My Mind

I think I was wrong about Tarrah.
I think they brought her here just to make my life harder.
This is what is happening now: So besides all the drama with the one extra member of the crew (thanks to my inadequacy), one of our 2 crew leaders (and just so we are clear, it is VERY rare that there are 2 crew leaders on an opening) has developed a kidney/bladder infection and was briefly in the hospital 2 days ago. We are now trying to convince her to go home, or stay at the hotel at the very least. But it isn't working, so we send her home whenever the fever picks up so much that she is shivering so hard she can't pour a coffee.
That's great.
Then there is the issue with Tarrah: She seems to think it is important to pick apart EVERY single thing my shift (the one before hers) does. If the slightest little thing isn't done(crumbs on the counter, a cloth not rinsed), the crew leaders hear about it. Now, this is why they don't put more than one leader on an opening: Different leaders have different methods and want to run the crew in their own way. That's what is happening here. Crew leaders LEAD. They don't necessarily work well within a team.
So there is much turmoil.
Everytime I go to train someone on something, she tells me they should be doing something else. Everytime I go to do something myself, she tells me I should be getting someone else to do it. I don't know where else to go with it. I have not felt like any member of this crew has had any confidence in my abilities since I got here.
But Mike Meilleur was at the store yesterday, and he made a specific point to come over to me and tell me that since I had a unique perspective on things, he was really interested in my opinion. He asked me if, now that I know what it is like to be an ops rep and one of the people from the Bess Eaton aquisition, did I think it was handled well?
I thought about it for a minute, and I realized that I am the only one that really knows from both perspectives. He told me I was doing great, and they had big plans for me, and he wanted me back in New England, blah blah blah.
It was just good to see a friendly face at work for once. Instead of someone criticizing me, telling me how poorly trained I am, how I could do things BETTER, and what NOT to do.
I'm so sick of that.
I'm still looking forward to coming home.

Musical choices

I'm laying in my hotel room, which is pitch black, and i just finished a 9 1/2 hour shift. So it's hard to wind down. And there are these awesome alarm clocks that you can plug your mp3 player into. So i did. And i made myself a play list to help me fall asleep. But for some reason, I only put songs on it that remind me of guys I was once in love with.
ok, so that is a very short list. But the music makes me flood back to when I knew the people that they remind me of.
isn't it funny how great they are in retrospect? like all the shitty things they've done start to wash away after you listen to a few songs that you knew meant something when it was important. And when you had each other and maybe even an Us.
and you always draw yourself back from the edge of self pity with "What am I thinking?? He is an ass!" You just can't convince yourself that it's true. Not as long as this song is on.
i'm such a girl sometimes.

VZWPIX.COM

Auburn

I went running by the river this morning. I swear, if this town wasn't in Maine, it would almost be an option for a home. It's actually a really pretty little town. But it IS in Maine. And I'm just not a Maine kind of girl...

Lately.

I actually got up and went running running this morning.
I'm feeling pretty happy with myself right now. I also bought a pink hat for Julie with a Patriots symbol on it, but I like it too much and I needed a hat this morning, so I'm going to have to get her another one. I saw it last night, and I knew she would like it. I'm going to have to send it to Richmond with lots of other stuff for the girls at the store. (No hints!) And nobody tell Julie I bought the hat for her either, dammit!
It's a surprise.
It felt good to get out into chilly morning air and run. Like my lungs were cold, but not TOO cold. And my legs and feet ache from working so much, but they warmed right up when I got going. And I brought my MP3 player and listened to everything that I could put on one playlist. It was a really crazy combination: Lots of Maroon 5, Bjork, Radiohead, Incubus, 311, Fiona Apple, stuff that could get me moving. Some of it is just good techno-ish beats, some of it is nice fast-pace. Some of it is just angry-girl-kick-some-ass.
They all do the trick.
Right now I'm rockin' to Nancies.
Yeah.
Dave, my love, you sure get the blood flowing.
I'm gonna do some pilates next, cause I'm just feeling THAT inspired by this music and I ROCK.
And I am PMSing and I ate 2 chocolate coconut donuts last night on the way home from work, and I figure, now is the time to get THAT out of my system. I've actually been taking vitamin e and a multi-vitamin, because I barely eat, and when I do, it's not such a good, healthful choice. So I'm making an effort.
And we are trying to get back on normal shifts, starting today. The store owners are scheduling around us, instead of using us as teachers. They think we are there to do the work and don't realize that we will only be here one more week, so on a shift that should be 5 people, they schedule 3 people, because we are there. So we have all decided to work fewer hours to get them out of that cycle.
I have NO problem with that.
Did you ever hear the Dancing Nancies from the Central Park concert? The one where at the beginning he says "Bartender, HOOK ME UP. I wasn't planning on getting drunk tonight, but as luck would have it..."
Dave rocks my world. I'm so in love with him.
Joanne and Chery take off for Arizona today. Best of luck, ladies. I know you've got it in you, and if I can do this, then you will have no problem with your journey. OK, well, you will have problems. You'll be homesick and miss your friends, and want the easier life that you just left behind, and everything, but you are beginning an ADVENTURE. Enjoy it. You don't get the opportunity to take this risk everyday. You are bound to succeed. (Take me with you?)
Just kidding. I've got some asses to kick here first. :P
There is a boy that works at this new Timmy Ho Ho's and his name is Aaron. (Don't get any ideas. He is literally a boy. I think he's 17.) He's so astounded by me. Everytime he walks into the room I am in, I'm belting out a Jason Mraz song, or making someone dance, or yelling at someone in French. I think my own personality (and in this case, "personality" means "insanity") is starting to show because I'm feeling more confident training these people. I still feel judged by the rest of my crew, but I don't care so much any more. The trainees all love me, and I can get them to learn, and do everything they are supposed to do, and respect my authority all at the same time. And they aren't afraid of me. At least, not because I'm a donut-and-coffee nazi (like some people I know), but more because of the afore-mentioned singing/dancing/jabbering in French. They have all asked me if I really want to go back to Oakville, or I wouldn't really prefer to just stay here and do the Mashed-Potato Dance with them. (You'd have to see it. Seriously.)
I'm not saying I'm completely sold on this job yet...
Because things will have to seriously change for me to actually like being ripped apart by my crew leaders and insulted the way I have been for the past week and a half. But these are not the only crew leaders here. And I will eventually (probably) get to work with all of them. And there have to be better and more compassionate ones than these. Everything I have ever been taught about teaching and training has included a strong set of soft skills (understanding, compassion, patience, etc) that I just haven't seen in these leaders. I don't know how they made it as far as they have.
Maybe they'll need ME for that job eventually.
Watch out Kevin.
I'm coming for YOUR job.
HA!

PLEASE

I want to come home.
I want to come HOME!
I swear I'm going to. Maybe not right now, especially because my parents are on their way here to see me (and they've already run out of gas on the side of the highway, because they were both so excited neither of them thought to put gas in the car. Silly parents! :)
but as soon as I have a minute to myself, I'm driving my ass south to RI, even if it's a 10 hour drive for about 5 minutes of visiting. I'll just FEEL better. IDEALLY, I would go on a Thursday night, spend some quality time with the fam, then Friday night, I would hit the Grille with the boys, because I have NO social life here, and then drive back up on Saturday. We will see what happens. But that is what I want.
I'm leaving Maine on the 26th to head back to Ontario, and that is a Monday. Maybe they will have work for me for Tuesday and Wednesday, because right now, I owe them days (I didn't have enough days off in my training schedule, and I'm on salary, so they want to get their money's worth out of me. But, hello! They MADE my schedule! Shouldn't they know how many days off they are giving me?) SO, if this store opening has made up my days off, and maybe put them in debt to me, I can swing it.
Because I want to come home.

I like this

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Update. For those who care.

This is what has happened in the past 6 days:
Friday-- Met Tarah and Cara at the Centre to pick up the airport shuttle. They said almost nothing to me. We all sat around a table. They chatted. I drank a bottle of water and tried to look like I belonged there.
Got in the shuttle. They sat together in the row in front of me and gabbed. I sat in the back row, next to a little old woman with the sniffles, who pretended I didn't exist.
Arrived at the airport. Raced around madly looking for our terminal. We were 2 hours early, and the only ones who had arrived so far, but still, we were in a bit of a panic. I tell you, these Canadians have NO sense of direction.
Plane #1 to LaGuardia. Have you even landed there? Did you get the uncanny feeling that you might take the rooves off of all the houses surrounding the runways? Frightening. I could see in windows.
2 hours wandering around a dirty and crowded airport. Lunch. No talking. Bought a book. Started reading, rather than stare dejectedly out a window, being ignored.
Plane #2 to Portland. MINISCULE. The only time I have ever had to walk down the little chute, take stairs down to the tarmac, walk across the pavement and then up a flight of stairs into the belly of the plane. Ridiculously small. And the guy next to me smelled.
Arrived in Portland. Much wandering around and dropping things, trying to keep up with my team, who were still trying to believe I wasn't with them.
Got the rental cars. They were forced to give in, considering a stranger was in the car with them. After an hour of driving, a U-turn in a toll plaza, much bickering amongst ourselves, and a little bit of fearing for my life, we FINALLY arrived at the hotel which should have taken us approximately 15-20 minutes to find, if not for the wretched directional and communicational skills of my new co-workers.
Check in- BEAUTIFUL hotel! I wish I could stay there forever and never go back to the crummy Ramada. Oh well.
Dinner- they tried to get some info out of me. Made the usual assumptions about Joe, believing of course, as EVERYONE inevitably does, that they know me better than I know myself. They were experts on the innermost workings of my psyche, especially since they had been acknowledging my presence for nearly 2 hours now.
Saturday-- First day at the store. We arrive. Everyone sets to work and leaves me. I think "...Ok... Obviously, no one wants to clue in the new girl." So I found myself something nice and dirty to clean. Spent the whole day this way. Made friends with several of the new crew. They loved me. Trainees usually do. My new title: Funny Kally. I can live with that.
Dinner- Grumpy people. Arguing. Me, enjoying my steak and margarita, courtesy of Tim Hortons.
Sunday-- More of the same. The arguing begins with Kevin. He is SURE. POSITIVE that Timmy Ho Ho's is going to take over the world one day. And that the terms "Double Double" and "Triple Triple" will overtake the bizarre RI propensities for using "Light & Sweet" and "Extra Extra." Because this is obviously VERY important and the grand realm of a major, billion-dollar corporation. God forbid a market have a bit of idiosyncratic individuality.
Also, Deb starts making comments about how Bess Eaton is a dirty word, and saying things like "What are you, American?" I'm starting to feel offended. After all, it's been a month since I've been "The American." You'd think sooner or later, they'd figure out that I have an actual personality outside that stereotype.
I guess not.
Monday--1am. The real trouble begins. Actually, everything went fine until about 2:30 am, when the stock truck showed up and dropped off $5000 worth of food and paper goods. Tarrah has never seen a Sygma order before. All of us work to get it checked in and put away before the entire thing thaws out. MANY MISTAKES. Mostly by Sygma. But still.
They don't get out until almost 4. On a day when everyone is trained, we want to start baking at 3. We had planned to start trainees at 2:30. NO CHANCE.
Also, the over-eager owners decide to open doors at 5 instead of 6, and so my poor showcase is being used up before I am anywhere near completing it.
I don't fill it up until 7:30am.
That's a problem.
As I am running around, looking like one of Holly's balloons in the office, the DM is snapping his fingers at me, to get me to move faster. I feel like crying.
13 hours after I arrive, I go back to the hotel and sleep until 7pm. Get a call from Deb: We are switching you and Kevin. I don't think you were prepared for this. How much experience do you have at baking? I don't know why it was such a problem.
Whatever.
Tuesday-- I'm PISSED. Trying not to show it, but in a seriously bad mood. How can I be successful at something if I don't know what is expected of me? How can I be blamed for this? Granted, the morning production was on my shoulders, but so was the mondo stock order and the training of 3 crew.
I'm called into the office. Bad attitude. Duh.
Deb says that everyone is overwhelmed on their first day. I ask if everyone gets to complete their training or maybe get an orientation before they are thrown into a tornado of a store opening. She said she just ASSUMED that since I have managerial experience, I would know what I was doing, have some idea how to handle myself.
I say "From what I've learned, New England is completely different from anywhere in the company. And an Assistant Manager is NOTHING like an Ops Rep, so don't use that as an excuse."
Kevin says (and this is why I hate him most right now), "We just want to be sure we aren't wasting our time on you."
Screw you, jackass! What about my time? I've been away from home for a month with the soonest date for seeing all of my friends and family still 3 months off. Should I be thrilled to be here, being under-trained, under-prepared, under-appreciated, and completely overworked?
But I didn't say that.
I said "I'm not happy with my situation right now, but I made a commitment. I'm here until January. I'm just going to hope it gets better."
Wednesday morning: Call from Michael, the director of Ops. Reps. Greeeaaat. They called in the big guns. He asked me how everything was going. (He already knew how everything was going. I hate that. Why ask me?) I said fine. He said "That's not what I heard."
I told him how I felt like I was thrown in, and burdened with expectations that weren't made clear to me. I felt like the scapegoat for everything that went wrong when I was placed in an unconventional game plan (crew leaders usually take the position of morning production. No one really knew why they gave it to me in the first place.), and doomed for failure. He told me he was sending in another crew member to help out.
So there you go. Once again, I am not making the cut, so they need someone to bail me out. All of this could have been avoided if they had trained me like they said they would, or given me the slightest orientation. Or even just warned the crew I am working with that I don't know what I'm doing, and to give me a hand up when I need one.
Tarrah (who has surprisingly become my ally here), told me she heard that they are sending in someone else for my "shaddow shift." I told her that every time they find some new fix for this "situation" (i.e. ME.), it makes me feel even more inadequate. Like they are wasting their money on me. Even though I KNOW that it's not my fault.
She said no. They are realizing that they screwed up and they are trying to get me not to walk off shift, because a lesser person would have by now.
She said she has felt bad for me, because she has seen me struggling through it, and I feel like she has been really kind and explained a lot of things to me in a compassionate way.
Last night, she said pointe-blanc, "I make mistakes. I know I do. All I ask is that you approach me privately about them, and not in front of trainees. Then allow me to retrain them. And I'll give you the same respect."
She said this NOT because I had already done something wrong, but because she wanted me to know how she wanted it done BEFORE the issue came up.
Made her expectations known. The way it SHOULD be.
Ugh.
I just did my expense report. I HATE EXPENSE REPORTS. I know I'm going to screw it up. Just like everything else.
Whatever.

Shipping out.

I have to check out of this hotel tomorrow and check into another one in Maine.
I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about this job. Maybe I'll get used to living completely out of suitcases.
Maybe not.
I wouldn't mind SO much if there were a place where I was permanently based and could leave everything that I'm not taking with me. But there isn't. I have to constantly load my entire life into a suitcase. This is why I bought another suitcase.
I have one that stays here with all the clothes I won't be needing and another smaller one with all the uniforms that I WILL be needing.
My computer is DEFINITELY coming with me. I need some way to communicate. Now I just have to figure out what else I want to bring.

I'm Over It.

I'm officially not playing this game anymore.
I hate when I freak myself out and get my hopes up and think maybe someday, there might ACTUALLY be someone for me.
I'm done. Again.
This is what happened tonight:
It was Wing and Beer night. Every Tuesday night, all the trainers and trainees go out to this one restaurant and eat TONS of wings. He told me today that he wasn't going to be there tonight, because he has to work at 4am tomorrow.
So, of course, he was there.
With his girlfriend. Or fiancee. Or whatever she is.
We make reservations for 20 every week, and every week, they tuck us into our own little corner so we can have all the tables that become available there. Anyway, you can't see it from the entrance. So my friends and I just stroll in, and I was thinking, Great, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to worry about it. It's a night OUT.
And I turned the corner, and he was THERE. And so was she.
Don't get me wrong. She's really nice! She's literally about 4'11". She was standing on the other side of the host's podium and we couldn't see her. Over the top. We could see her on both sides though...
That was mean.
True.
But mean.
Anyway. He was sitting next to her. And Sarah sat opposite them with another trainer. Stefa and I had to sit at a table in front of theirs. So he and I were directly facing each other, 2 people apart.
I was trying not to have ANY sort of eye contact with him, because it makes me supremely uncomfortable, like I'm being a jerk to the girlfriend (even though I continuously tell myself I've done nothing wrong.), so I didn't look directly at him all night.
But I was talking to Stefa, and he was right behind her, and I could see him watching me. Which freaked me out! Big surprise there. It all freaks me out.
But Stefa and I, as bonding girls do, talked about the men in our lives and every screwed up drama either of us has ever had. It was a very interesting conversation! She and I are sort of similar. She went to college for something she decided she no longer wanted to do, picked up and travelled Europe for a bit, and got back and wondered what she was going to do for a job. And this is it.
More on this topic later.
Anyway.
They left early. Obviously because he had to get up at 4am to work. They said goodbye to everyone, and she walked out first. He stopped to talk to me and Stefa for a second, then he had to walk behind me to leave. And he flicked my back! And I gave him a dirty look (because it really hurt!) and he just said "Behave yourself." And left.
Stefa was a little confused. She just kind of snorted in his direction, and said "What was that about? What kind of misbehaving does he expect you to be doing?"
And that was the end of the topic.
I'm just TIRED of it. I hate feeling like I'm pursuing something that doesn't exist, even though I'm not pursuing anything. I hate feeling like there are too many people in this equation, even though there ARE. I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm the laughing stock of the Centre and I'm the object of gossip.
So it's done.
One of the things I was talking to Stefa and Sarah about tonight is people's perception of me. They said they had me pegged as a naive innocent the first time they saw me. Which is what everyone things. And I like it that way, because they are in for a shock when they talk to me in any depth and find out I have a personality. I like being different. I don't lie to myself and maintain some idea that I conform with any sense of normalcy. Every aspect of my life so far is strange. That's fine by me.
But the minute I arrived here, and everyone knew me, before I knew them, something felt not right. I realized it today, when I was in my room getting ready to go out, and another trainer was in Sarah's room and the door joining our rooms was open. The girl's name was Kylie, and she hadn't met Stefa before so Stefa introduced herself, and Kylie said "Are you the American?"
That was it.
I asked Sarah and Stefa if they knew I was American before they knew anything else about me, including what I looked like. They admitted they did.
My individuality has been replaced by a stereotype.
I'm much more accustomed to meeting people for the first time and giving them a taste of my insanity as well as my personality/tastes/talents/work ethic, whatever. They end up knowing ME. And that is ideal.
Now, I arrived in the middle of an image that was built before I even arrived. I have to work to replace that with who I actually am. And that is much harder to do.

red 

Frantic

After some deep consultation with Chery (she wasn't home when I started leaving IMs. She told me I literally got up to 93 messages. I was freaking out a bit.), I've pledged to try not to panic.
Chery's motto for my situation is:
Don't freak out and ruin it!!
Easier said than done.
Married Dude is now offically Engaged Dude.
He was my trainer today. Did you ever get that feeling like, "This is a BAD idea. Yay!" That's how I felt when I said, "Who's training me today?" and he said, "I am."
Stomach drop. Heart in my throat.
WEIRD.
I also met his fiancee and found out that I'm going on a store opening with her on Friday. This is my luck.
Chery (who is very good at making me not freak out) made me think about it this way:
I'm NOT doing anything wrong. I haven't done anything. It hasn't surpassed flirting, and how he deals with the fiancee is not up to me. It isn't my responsibility.
In my freak-out's defense (like it's a person or something.), I have never been told before that I'm the most unique person someone has ever met. Or that I'm fascinating. Or amazing.
Chery also told me to forget every other peripheral circumstance involved (that I work with his fiancee, that I work with him, that he is my trainer, that I live in the US and he lives in Canada... Etc.) and asked me if I was just happy to have someone giving me a little attention or if maybe I actually kind of liked him.
I can honestly say that I liked him before I really knew much about him. He is really charismatic and has a lot of personality. For the first time in a long time, I don't really care that much what he looks like. I mean, he's pretty cute. But mainly, I love the fact that he is interested in my personality.
He said I was amazing.
Doesn't that mean something? Shouldn't it?
She said that the main thing that she picked up on (that I told her about) is that I always noticed him looking in my direction and following me with his eyes. And I think the example she used is, "You don't do that to your friends. You don't think hey, I'm just gonna watch my friend walk across the room to make sure they don't trip and fall and hurt themselves." Everytime I turn in his direction, he is looking at me. That's good right?
Unfortunately, there are extenuating circumstances, so it just isn't possible to just drop everything and say "THIS IS IT!" And also, I am the biggest commitment-phobe there is and I'm really good at ruining my chances before it even starts. There is a lot working against me.
But I'm NOT GONNA FREAK OUT AND RUIN IT.
Oy.

There were some strange noises coming from the street outside. Like banging.
And I thought maybe some rival gangs were having a war (I'm not sure that happens in Canada, but I figured anything is possible.).
So I went out on the balcony.
Obviously, that is the wise thing to do when you suspect a gang war is underway. Of course, I didn't think of that until AFTER I was out on the balcony.
But all is well. Just some illegal fireworks somewhere out in the suburbs.
I've done ALMOST nothing all day. It's fabulous. And exhausting.
Watched a lot of tv. Played online.
I'm feeling a little overstimulated since I got the internet in my hotel room. Got the internet, cable, phone, CDs and mp3s... I keep trying to use them all at once. And then I stay up until all hours because I keep thinking of other things I should do, while I'm online.
It's tragic, really.

$$$

I seriously spent about $300 today in less than an hour.
Canadian, that is.
$60 on gas!!!!
That hurt.
$70 on another suitcase. That's right. I bought a suitcase for when I travel from where I travelled to. Isn't that pathetic?
I bought 2 cds. A completely unnecessary $47 expense. But I wanted them...
And then TONS of stuff from the drug store. If you must know, some toner, deodorant, vitamin e supplements, a multi-vitamin (Since I'm definitely not eating well, I might as well TRY to get some nutrition.).
I think I bought a magazine. Other things I can't remember.
Anyway.
I spent a lot of money. That I mostly didn't NEED to spend. Oh well.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Paris Hilton?
I do. I think she's made entirely of plastic. I also think she started botoxing to prematurely combat the CONCEPT of wrinkles because I haven't seen an actual facial expression on her yet.
I also think that she has trouble with concepts. Because you can't see them or touch them or videotape yourself having sex with them.
Sorry, they just interviewed her on tv and she used the word "hot" 14 times. She also said she doesn't like it when guys smell "natural" because it's gross. So for that reason she came up with a cologne. Which really means that a company came up with the scent and then thought "Hmmm... How are we going to market this? Hey! Let's pay Paris Hilton to use her name!" Which is really considerate of them, if you think about it, because there are DEFINITELY people making money off her name without her permission. (Ahem, sex tape.)
Sorry again.
I just hate her, that's all.

Iman Update

Iman has realized that my name is not Heather.
We can all breathe easier now.
She came up to me yesterday and said "I've been calling you Heather all week! Did you notice?"
I of course said no. I felt like saying "Of course I did, you spaceshot!" But my manners are too good for that.
She just said "Yeah, no wonder you were ignoring me so much!"
We work in the test kitchens today. Iman was in group 1 and I was in group 2 and our trainers were 2 brothers named Ken and Dan. These guys had a nickname for each other. Larry. They called each other Larry.
Iman's head almost exploded. She couldn't figure out who anybody was, especially since I JUST stopped being Heather and started being Kally again. She spent a good 10 minutes trying to sort it all out.
"Ok...Larry? Oh, you're Ken? Then YOU'RE Larry? So Larry and Ken? Who is Dan then? You're Dan? I thought you were Larry? Dan is Larry? And you are Ken still? Oh, you're Larry too? I don't get it..."
coughcough*crackhead!*cough...

Day off.

I try to set goals for myself on my days off.
Today, my goals are as follows:
SHOWER.
Wait, let's back up a bit...
GET OUT OF BED
then SHOWER
also,
Do laundry
Pay my credit card bill
Buy a new suitcase (I literally need an extra suitcase for all of my new uniforms! They gave me 5 store fronts and 8 whites! What the hell???)
Research new computers

I'm gonna start with breakfast.

I thought I might just throw on some crazy photos. Because I just learned how and I feel like it.

This is my favorite Eiffel Tower picture.

This is Dayton in front of Westminster Abby in London.

This is my good friend Mona.

This is the Venus de Milo's torso. I like to photograph art in detail. Then I don't forget any.

This is the view from our hostel in Florence. It was actually about 10 miles from Florence in the countryside. The vaguely city-like area...That's Florence. We had to go there EVERYDAY when we got booted from the hostel.

The Dome. My father was pretty obsessed with this building for a while. It's really amazing.

OK, so yes, this is me with no pants on, getting a tattoo on my thigh in Dublin. I can't believe I'm putting a pantless photo of myself on the internet... But I am. Holly says I should. Blame her.

This is how skinny I was after carrying my life in a 38 lbs. backpack. Amazing, no?

This is a photo I took of my favorite model, Ivan the Terrible. I actually got to develop it and everything in my photo class. Good times.

This is mine and Joe's feet at Katama on Martha's Vineyard. His are the hairy ones. Just so we're clear.

The Make-A-Wish field of sunflowers in Griswold CT.

This is a portrait I did of Dave, the love of my life.

This is a creepy photo of the cemetary. But I like it.

This is one of my favorite pics of Ivan. I used the big camera, but some decent quality color film. I don't care what you say, it's still way better than a digital photo.

Me and Banana.

I almost forgot Cowboy! This is Cowboy!

I almost forgot...

In other news, Iman has somehow gotten it into her head that my name is Heather.
I'm not sure how or why, especially since I wear 2 different nametags at all times! But she keeps saying hello and goodbye to Heather (me) and I keep forgetting to respond.
Also, it seems she is an artist, currently showing at a private gallery in SoHo (and if that is the case, why the HELL is she an assistant manager at a T.Ho's in Maine?), and she speaks and writes in Arabic (and who among us would be able to tell if she didn't?)
She gets loonier and loonier.

Feeling old...

You know what is really sad?
When marriage has become a problem in my life. Not my own marriage! Christ! That is not in the forseeable future, or even the game plan, for that matter.
I mean other people's marriage. The fact that I am old enough that a married man could be attractive to me, and his marriage is the barrier to my happiness, etc. I am not allowed to be mature enough for this. There is a reason why I am the Silly Walk Promoter of store 9962. And that's because I am, and always will be, a child at heart (and mentality).
But it's true. There is someone who I find intriguing who is not available. If marriage were not part of this equation, if he were only "dating" someone, then it wouldn't be SUCH a problem for me. I probably wouldn't be that interested. It's the whole issue of finality and imposibility that causes the problem.
And the real kicker here is that he happens to be interested in ME! This is apparently how it works: I am interested in the guys who are not interested in me, not interested in the guys who are interested in me, and in the rare occasion that the guy and I are both interested in each other, HE IS MARRIED.
OK, "interested" may be the wrong word (now that I've used it 46 times in one sentence). I doubt he would ever say those words. I know he wouldn't ever think of cheating on his wife. But the fact remains, everytime I see him, I am the focal point of his attention. Even if we are at dinner with different people, he will leave his table and join mine. And then talk about me with everyone I'm sitting with! If I walk by, he stops me, or trips me, or pushes a chair out in front of me. If I try to leave any social occasion before everyone else, he physically stops me.
I am clearly not an expert on decoding the complex encryption in the language of the opposite sex. If I was, I would be dating a lot more than I do. But, would you not say that this might be classified as "interest," if nothing else?
We were out the other night, and I found him looking in my direction everytime I turned around. What is this? WHY ME?
I mentioned it to someone here, because he makes snide comments at me all the time, tells me I'm weird and abnormal and not right in the head. I told one of the girls that I thought he hated me. She said "Nooooooo! No... Well. Suffice to say, no. He doesn't hate you."
(On a side note, she worked with him today and I think she mentioned to him what I said, because I just saw him and he was really nice to me. Nicer than normal. In fact, I've never been able to guage a normal sense of "niceness" with him, and today it was VERY clear.)
Ok, I'm not really sure what that means. Her comment is inconclusive as a positive judgement. The only way to know for sure is to have a conversation (that I will never have) and ask the questions (that I will never ask).
Instead, I'll just sit here and be pissed off about my abysmal romantic luck.
For the record, I have never mentioned this guy before in this blog. It isn't Justin or Kevin or John or any of the other married people I mentioned before. He is someone completely different. And if you knew him (and me), you'd know that he could be perfectly suitable to me.
And that sucks.