I'm Over It.
I'm officially not playing this game anymore.
I hate when I freak myself out and get my hopes up and think maybe someday, there might ACTUALLY be someone for me.
I'm done. Again.
This is what happened tonight:
It was Wing and Beer night. Every Tuesday night, all the trainers and trainees go out to this one restaurant and eat TONS of wings. He told me today that he wasn't going to be there tonight, because he has to work at 4am tomorrow.
So, of course, he was there.
With his girlfriend. Or fiancee. Or whatever she is.
We make reservations for 20 every week, and every week, they tuck us into our own little corner so we can have all the tables that become available there. Anyway, you can't see it from the entrance. So my friends and I just stroll in, and I was thinking, Great, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to worry about it. It's a night OUT.
And I turned the corner, and he was THERE. And so was she.
Don't get me wrong. She's really nice! She's literally about 4'11". She was standing on the other side of the host's podium and we couldn't see her. Over the top. We could see her on both sides though...
That was mean.
True.
But mean.
Anyway. He was sitting next to her. And Sarah sat opposite them with another trainer. Stefa and I had to sit at a table in front of theirs. So he and I were directly facing each other, 2 people apart.
I was trying not to have ANY sort of eye contact with him, because it makes me supremely uncomfortable, like I'm being a jerk to the girlfriend (even though I continuously tell myself I've done nothing wrong.), so I didn't look directly at him all night.
But I was talking to Stefa, and he was right behind her, and I could see him watching me. Which freaked me out! Big surprise there. It all freaks me out.
But Stefa and I, as bonding girls do, talked about the men in our lives and every screwed up drama either of us has ever had. It was a very interesting conversation! She and I are sort of similar. She went to college for something she decided she no longer wanted to do, picked up and travelled Europe for a bit, and got back and wondered what she was going to do for a job. And this is it.
More on this topic later.
Anyway.
They left early. Obviously because he had to get up at 4am to work. They said goodbye to everyone, and she walked out first. He stopped to talk to me and Stefa for a second, then he had to walk behind me to leave. And he flicked my back! And I gave him a dirty look (because it really hurt!) and he just said "Behave yourself." And left.
Stefa was a little confused. She just kind of snorted in his direction, and said "What was that about? What kind of misbehaving does he expect you to be doing?"
And that was the end of the topic.
I'm just TIRED of it. I hate feeling like I'm pursuing something that doesn't exist, even though I'm not pursuing anything. I hate feeling like there are too many people in this equation, even though there ARE. I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm the laughing stock of the Centre and I'm the object of gossip.
So it's done.
One of the things I was talking to Stefa and Sarah about tonight is people's perception of me. They said they had me pegged as a naive innocent the first time they saw me. Which is what everyone things. And I like it that way, because they are in for a shock when they talk to me in any depth and find out I have a personality. I like being different. I don't lie to myself and maintain some idea that I conform with any sense of normalcy. Every aspect of my life so far is strange. That's fine by me.
But the minute I arrived here, and everyone knew me, before I knew them, something felt not right. I realized it today, when I was in my room getting ready to go out, and another trainer was in Sarah's room and the door joining our rooms was open. The girl's name was Kylie, and she hadn't met Stefa before so Stefa introduced herself, and Kylie said "Are you the American?"
That was it.
I asked Sarah and Stefa if they knew I was American before they knew anything else about me, including what I looked like. They admitted they did.
My individuality has been replaced by a stereotype.
I'm much more accustomed to meeting people for the first time and giving them a taste of my insanity as well as my personality/tastes/talents/work ethic, whatever. They end up knowing ME. And that is ideal.
Now, I arrived in the middle of an image that was built before I even arrived. I have to work to replace that with who I actually am. And that is much harder to do.
I hate when I freak myself out and get my hopes up and think maybe someday, there might ACTUALLY be someone for me.
I'm done. Again.
This is what happened tonight:
It was Wing and Beer night. Every Tuesday night, all the trainers and trainees go out to this one restaurant and eat TONS of wings. He told me today that he wasn't going to be there tonight, because he has to work at 4am tomorrow.
So, of course, he was there.
With his girlfriend. Or fiancee. Or whatever she is.
We make reservations for 20 every week, and every week, they tuck us into our own little corner so we can have all the tables that become available there. Anyway, you can't see it from the entrance. So my friends and I just stroll in, and I was thinking, Great, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to worry about it. It's a night OUT.
And I turned the corner, and he was THERE. And so was she.
Don't get me wrong. She's really nice! She's literally about 4'11". She was standing on the other side of the host's podium and we couldn't see her. Over the top. We could see her on both sides though...
That was mean.
True.
But mean.
Anyway. He was sitting next to her. And Sarah sat opposite them with another trainer. Stefa and I had to sit at a table in front of theirs. So he and I were directly facing each other, 2 people apart.
I was trying not to have ANY sort of eye contact with him, because it makes me supremely uncomfortable, like I'm being a jerk to the girlfriend (even though I continuously tell myself I've done nothing wrong.), so I didn't look directly at him all night.
But I was talking to Stefa, and he was right behind her, and I could see him watching me. Which freaked me out! Big surprise there. It all freaks me out.
But Stefa and I, as bonding girls do, talked about the men in our lives and every screwed up drama either of us has ever had. It was a very interesting conversation! She and I are sort of similar. She went to college for something she decided she no longer wanted to do, picked up and travelled Europe for a bit, and got back and wondered what she was going to do for a job. And this is it.
More on this topic later.
Anyway.
They left early. Obviously because he had to get up at 4am to work. They said goodbye to everyone, and she walked out first. He stopped to talk to me and Stefa for a second, then he had to walk behind me to leave. And he flicked my back! And I gave him a dirty look (because it really hurt!) and he just said "Behave yourself." And left.
Stefa was a little confused. She just kind of snorted in his direction, and said "What was that about? What kind of misbehaving does he expect you to be doing?"
And that was the end of the topic.
I'm just TIRED of it. I hate feeling like I'm pursuing something that doesn't exist, even though I'm not pursuing anything. I hate feeling like there are too many people in this equation, even though there ARE. I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm the laughing stock of the Centre and I'm the object of gossip.
So it's done.
One of the things I was talking to Stefa and Sarah about tonight is people's perception of me. They said they had me pegged as a naive innocent the first time they saw me. Which is what everyone things. And I like it that way, because they are in for a shock when they talk to me in any depth and find out I have a personality. I like being different. I don't lie to myself and maintain some idea that I conform with any sense of normalcy. Every aspect of my life so far is strange. That's fine by me.
But the minute I arrived here, and everyone knew me, before I knew them, something felt not right. I realized it today, when I was in my room getting ready to go out, and another trainer was in Sarah's room and the door joining our rooms was open. The girl's name was Kylie, and she hadn't met Stefa before so Stefa introduced herself, and Kylie said "Are you the American?"
That was it.
I asked Sarah and Stefa if they knew I was American before they knew anything else about me, including what I looked like. They admitted they did.
My individuality has been replaced by a stereotype.
I'm much more accustomed to meeting people for the first time and giving them a taste of my insanity as well as my personality/tastes/talents/work ethic, whatever. They end up knowing ME. And that is ideal.
Now, I arrived in the middle of an image that was built before I even arrived. I have to work to replace that with who I actually am. And that is much harder to do.
posted by Kally Hanifin at 2:07:00 AM
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