I've escaped Mystic River Acupuncture for the time being, and now I'm hanging out at the library. It's funny what I'll do to A.) force myself out of the house, and B.) pretend I'm actually leading a normal life.
I spent plenty of time online at MRA playing with email and whatnot, but when I finally got down to business I managed to input the remaining C's and ALL of the D's. Kate will think I worked really hard at it.
Fine by me.
More next time I encounter a computer...

I have a new place to hang out.
It's definitely a strange choice, I'm already aware of this, but it's just so calming and relaxing, and it's only mine to use for another month or so. I'm working for my acupuncturist again, and I have a key to the office so that I can come in and work on the computer whenever I have some free time. And I find myself just coming here because I don't want to be at the house. There is plenty to do. I plug in the MP3 player and check email and lounge on the couch and read magazines, and stop stressing for a little while about everything I know is wrong in my life.
It's like novocaine. Except alternative medicine.
Seriously, I'm a basketcase lately. No way around that. I can't shut my brain off sometimes and I'm always paranoid, wondering if there is a double meaning to anything anyone says to me, wondering if I'm just pissing people off with my presence. I can't stop. There was a time when I was confident and self assured and knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be.
That time is OVER.
These days I can't even convince myself that the dog likes me. I need a life outside that house, but I don't have any money to go anywhere or do anything, and I can't build up the motivation most of the time. I also used to be comfortable in my own company, but then I spent too much time alone and now I can't stand sitting by myself. And I used to be happy to go out to bars and clubs with friends, but I spent so much time away from home and on the move. Now, I have a home base and a place that I can claim as mine, and I have a hard time leaving it. I mostly want people to come visit me, and just stay in. It's a lot to ask. Too much, I guess.
I've been listening to Dave on my MP3 player all morning. It's funny how these songs that I've heard a thousand times can still give me the shivers when I hear them again. Maybe this is a pathetic comment to make, but his words just make sense to me. Not much does these days. 41 gets me everytime, because it has a lot to do with Dave's insecurities, and being pulled ini all different directions. Sometimes, if I just make a really good playlist of all the stuff that is sure to put me on the right track, then I can just lose myself in the music, and for the time that it is playing, things make sense.
I'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not there yet, and if I don't keep going, I'll never arrive.
You know?
I can always rationalize my insecurities through DMB lyrics.

Yeah.
So I wouldn't say being home is any easier than being on the road.
I've already gotten in an all-out battle with my brother over Joe. And made myself look like a fool and sniffled and sobbed and proven that I am, in fact, the most insecure member of my family. It literally took Joe repeating that no, he is NOT closer to Aaron than me to convince me that he was telling the truth and not just trying to shut me up.
These past few months have obviously done some damage. I don't think I really realized it until now. I'm CONSTANTLY seeking approval from someone, trying to keep everything in order, freaking myself out about the dumbest things, craving someone's attention.
I think I was always a little bit like this, but since I got home, I've noticed how much those months alone on the road and in hotels has changed me. You can't just undo all the stuff that has already been done. Those friggin crew leaders managed to put it in my head that I am NOT good at what I do. It screws with your self worth, when all you have to think about or aim for is the approval of someone you really don't know or like, for 12 hours out of each day. Doesn't that seem pathetic?
That's because it is. And what's more pathetic, I never felt like I achieved any of it, until the last couple days I was there, when Brad (my last CL) told me that I worked harder and complained less than many of the Canadians that he's worked with, and no matter what anyone tells me, I WAS one of them, a bona fide member of that team. It's over now. As of today, the last day of my contract. But for those last 3 days, it mattered to me.
And now, I have managers and district managers falling over themselves trying to convince me to stay in New England. I had to work 3 shifts in CT, and as management goes, I was a superstar (because no one else there had 6 weeks of TDL Training Centre training) so they want me, and I think, if they want to pay me, I might stick around for a while.
My ego needs the boost.

I think i'm allergic to my grandmother's cat. So That's good news. It's either that, or i'm getting a really mild cold, which seems unlikely. But at least that would be more finite than this. Right now, i just feel gross with no end in sight. And the cat likes to climb up on my chest when I'm sleeping.
i'm getting up and going running in the morning. I SWEAR. I keep saying it, but i keep staying up till all hours. And this morning, we ran out of gas and the house was 52 degrees when i woke up. (The animals were pissed. They are very spoiled animals.) and it was 12 outside. Which definitely made me feel better. No i'm joking. Sarcasm. I feel 10 times worse today than i felt yesterday. Oddly, still not all that bad. Whatever. More soon.

Going home.

Today I am going home. Finally.
It's been a rough week, and it took forever to get here. I actually am having trouble grasping that there is no finite number of days at home. I'm staying there. I have time to spend with people before I have to leave again. In this sense, there is a huge sense of relief. Of course, I have no real plans when I get there, no money, no job, nothing to look forward too.
Except being home, and with my friends and my family. And I think that will be enough for now.
We lost my grandma this week. I guess it was pretty quick. She has been so ill for so long, but she finally seemed better this past month. And then it was a rapid descent into a lot of bad things. Pretty much all her systems shut down at the same time: heart, lungs, liver, bladder and pancreas. There just wasn't much hope for her, so they made her comfortable, and she went peacefully, with my mother by her side. I can only imagine how hard it was for my mom.
But of course, I try not to.
Mom asked me if I'd like to rent Grandma's house, which I would, and said Joe and Aaron would also be there. But this returns us to the problem of me not having a job and thus no income.
I'm working on it though.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a house though?
I'd be very happy to stay there.
I'll be happier just to be home though.