More photos.

Stinging Sarah. She was a butterfly. I made her costume. That is the floofiest, cutest skirt EVER.

This is Agnes, one of my bosses. I'm not sure if she's supposed to be Daisy Duke, or just a really slutty cowgirl. :)

Me and Luigi (Meghan)

SUMO! She was SOOO funny. Completely filled with balloons. Every once in a while, she would sit on one, and it would pop.

From my hike.

Art shot.

Black squirrels??? They are EVERYWHERE!

The sunlight was AMAZING.

The city of Hamilton.

Trees!

My inukshuk (??)
OK that's it. Pizza's here! Gotta go eat.

New Blog.

So I'm starting a new blog.
Don't be alarmed. I'm not stopping this one or anything. I just need one to be able to show all my friends from here. And I talk about them too much in this one, soooo...
A new blog it is.
It's at www.onlytomorrow.blogspot.com

I had an unusual weekend. I went to a party at another ops' house. Apparently, ops are only friends with each other, so that was everyone at the party. A bunch from the department, plus the boss and the second in command.
Fabulous.
I was a bumblebee. I drank a bottle of rum. I only managed to NOT get sick by keeping one foot on the floor, one hand on the wall (same old tricks from college) and fixating alternately on a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey and a painting of Tim Horton.
There was much laughter at my expense. But whatever.
This morning, I was the first one up and the only one without a hangover. (I don't know how that happened, but I'm not complaining.) I woke up at 7:30 am, and wandered around the house looking for all the stuff I threw off of myself last night in my drunken stupor. People were sleeping on pretty much everything, so I went back downstairs and watched Bowling For Columbine and half of Gone In 60 Seconds before people started getting up.
I eventally left and tried to drive myself back to the Ramada, which is supposed to be about a 30 minute drive, but I didn't have good directions, so I turned off to get gas and a map and ended up in this amazing part of town. There was a path, so I pulled over, for some reason, and started hiking. I brought the camera and tooks TONS of pictures.
I found a heap of rocks on the path that looked like it had been partially knocked over. They have these things here. People will pull over on the highway and make them. They are called INUKSHUKS. Or something like that. They're Inuit symbols of lots of good things, like maybe, safe travels (? I'm guessing on that one. Gord tried to explain it to me when we were on the bus back from the retreat, but I don't remember most of it.) They are EVERYWHERE.
And there was one on the trail, but it was in rough shape, so I was putting it back together a little (because I love these things and I want to build one in the woods when I get home. A big one!) and this guy came whooshing by on his bike and thought I had made the whole thing, and said "Niiiice!"
I laughed.
Behind the inuk-thingy, buried in a heap of rocks was a book in a plastic bag. Which I thought was weird. You would have too.
It was the sort of book a Jehovah's Witness would give you. What a creepy way to try to deliver that stuff!
I finally made it up to the road for the shot of the whole city, and when I did, I smelled the dead animal smell. So I was picking my way down the road, trying to avoid it, and I saw what it was: a garbage bag FULL of animal (i hope!) insides.
It was disgusting.
All I could think of was that woman that was found in the trash bag. She was from Hartford, and someone killed her and put her in the bag and drove her all the way down to Rockville and dropped her. She was missing for maybe 2 months and a guy was out raking leaves in his yard, and there was the bag. It probably wasn't anything like that, that I saw, but the possibility exists, and it FREAKED me out. Understandably.
Then I got in my car and headed back to the Ramada.
And on the way back, I passed 2 cars pulled over on the highway together: the brother and sister whose party I went to last night.
When I pulled into the Ramada, a guy was standing outside, waiting for his family, and he just started asking me questions about my jeep. "Is it a bumpy vehicle to drive? How are they on gas? How's the heat with that top?" Etc, etc. Then he was like, "So, you've been staying here a while, huh? You work for Tim Hortons?"
Does EVERYONE in this country know about me?
So that was my day.
I leave for Maine on Saturday.
88 days till I can come home.

RANT

I got a forward from a wonderful friend who probably thought the man who wrote it had some good points. At first, I did too, but then, the debate queen in me got the better of me, and the more I read, the more I got pissed off.
This is what the forward said:

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be
America if we continue to make the changes forced on
us by the people from other countries that came to
live in America because it is the Country of Choice
??????
Think about it .

All I have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings. It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.

This says it all!
This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he?
Read on, please!


IMMIGRANTS,
NOT AMERICANS,
MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks
had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our
own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we
will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom,
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don't agree -- delete it!

AMEN
I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please.


If I don't agree, I usually speak up. So these are the problems I have with this:

"I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas."

There is no rule that says you may not say Merry Christmas to your friends and family. By all means, spout the phrase as much as they can stand it without smacking you. The problem arises when people ASSUME that everyone wants to hear it. If you have a problem with someone NOT celebrating Christmas, forget about Hanukah and Kwanzaa and everything else. Just don't say anything. How about that? No one will be offended.

"I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture."

Since I have lived in non-American, neutral territory, I can say as a matter of fact that the rest of the world is pissed off at us for exactly this reason. America has NEVER worried whether or not they have offended someone. We do what we want, when we want. This is what gets us into trouble. In some cases, it is a good thing, but don't expect that there won't be backlash from it. I have been to a lot of places and I've seen anti-American riots in plenty of them. For example, Dublin and Paris were not fun places to be when Bush was visiting. What do you think the reason for this was?

"This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity."

A multicultural community IS our national identity. The population, with the exception of Native Americans, is ENTIRELY made up of immigrants. There is NO other nationality that is native to this country. Period. Therefore, if you are NOT Native American, you cannot claim that it is "more" your country than anyone else. Moreover, we are ALL American.
And somehow, living in this diverse cultural grab basket has made us smug. We all seem to feel a vast sense of entitlement for having lived in this country, and people start believing a few complete falsehoods.
1. English is the national language.
Utterly untrue. As a matter of fact, there is NO national language. When the Europeans came here, there were HUNDREDS of languages being spoken here by all of the different tribal nations. John Smith and the Puritans came from England, Cortez came from Spain, Columbus came from Italy. There is also the argument that the Vikings came first. Any one of these nationalities could have provided our national language. But they didn't, because Americans represent a cross section of the rest of the world. You know you wouldn't have it any other way.

2. America was founded on a basis of religion.
Totally incorrect. If you do the research, you will find that the Puritains left England in 1620 in search of freedom from religious oppression and persecution. But this is completely irrelevant. This was not when the country was founded. Nor was it founded by Columbus in 1492, when he stumbled onto these shores, or when John Smith landed in Jamestown in 1607. It wasn't even founded upon the Native American ideas of nature worship (although, in my opinion, we'd be better off if it had.).
America was founded in 1776 with the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
It states:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
In this paragraph, God is NEVER mentioned. The word "Creator" can be anyone's interpretation of the word. If you are willing to take on a major debate, I am well armed with reason why this word is NOT specifically refering to a Christian God. To interpret it in such a way is as silly as saying that the phrase "all men are created equal" does not refer to women.
And if that is the nature of your argument, we have a much bigger problem on our hands.

"As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
The word "lifestyle" is what bothers me in this sentence. As Americans, we don't have A lifestyle. One single, solitary lifestyle for the entire population of the most powerful country in the world? Is that a fair statement? Not remotely! As a country, it could be argued that we represent as many lifestyles as there are people. And why not? Define the word for me! And then tell me that an immigrant should attempt to fit him/herself into it. I guarantee they will have no trouble.

"It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

If there is clear documentation about the founders of our nation being Christians, then it should be just as clear that there are measures put in place to make this redundant. It's called Separation of Church and State.
We know what happens when the two are mixed: The Spanish Inquisition. The Crusades. The Salem Witch Trials. The Taliban.
Granted, these are extreme cases, but they are also not the only examples. There are hundreds. My own personal opinions aside, it is not a good idea for people whose ideals are corrupted by religious teachings to be using them to make the rules.
"Because God" or "the Bible said so" is never a good enough reason why a law should or should not be adopted.
Now, going forward with this concept, schools are PUBLICLY funded. Meaning my athiestic tax dollars are just as important as anyone else's. I would suggest that if you want the word "God" on the walls of your children's schools, you are perfectly within your rights to send them to a private school of a religious denomination.
Let Church and State remain independant of each other.

"We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from."
First of all, I would appreciate it if you would speak for yourself. I don't happen to share this opinion and clearly, you do not know the opinions of the entire country, otherwise my thoughts would definitely be more clearly represented, and for the record, you would NEVER have been elected to speak.
Second, if in fact, America trully doesn't care how things are done in the rest of the world, well, isn't that reprehensible?
Ever heard the saying "No man is an island"? It's from a great poem by John Donne:
No man is an island,
entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent,
a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less...
any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind...

There is more. But that should explain my point well enough. WE ARE NOT ALONE ON THIS PLANET. There is much to see and much to know. If a person would rather lead the most basic of lives, never venturing past the borders, or caring to see what the rest of the world had to offer...
Well, what a sad, pathetic, agorophobic vision of the world that would be.
I would have to pity that person.

January 27th.

The countdown is officially on.
As of today, I have 96 days until I get to move back to RI permanently and be done with this place and this job.
I'm SOOO SICK of stupid stuff that keeps happening. I told the boss today that, regardless of whatever kind of offer I might receive at the end of my contract, I won't be returning for a second contract. She wasn't mad. She wasn't even surprised. I think the only thing that surprised her was how long I waited to tell her that I wasn't returning.
I found out today that they never stopped paying me from almost 3 MONTHS AGO when I left Richmond (as I told them to, about 3 weeks after I left and noticed I was still getting checks). I don't touch the account, but there are checks coming out every month that go to my car insurance and other bills. I barely even think about that account, except when I have to write checks and pay bills, and then I have to send checks home to my mom from HERE, have her deposit them in my account and transfer it from Canadian to American funds, and then write my own checks.
Well, this is lovely. It turns out I owe $3,552.75 to TDL because they never bother to stop sending me paychecks. And now their mistake is my responsibility. Of course, that money is no longer THERE. Because whatever money was there came out for bills or whatever.
Which is not to say that I believe the money should be mine, with no questions asked. Of course not. I didn't work for it. It doesn't belong to me. Which is why it should never have been applied to my account. I'm SOOOO MAD! I have to make up for their mistakes, even though I tried to get it taken care of MONTHS AGO.
And Gord is mad at me. He's been mad at me since I told him that I'm done in January. He was really pissed, and he didn't talk to me or even glance in my direction throughout our entire class today. He left before I even stood up, when it was over.
And Todd and Dan were ganging up on me today. It's not like I can't take being picked on once in a while, but not EVERYDAY
I realized who Todd reminds me of A LOT. You know Jesse James, the motorcycle guy that married Sandra Bullock? He's just like him. Not that cute though...
_________________________________________
Two of my friends just came in, we ordered a pizza with pepperoni, green olives, ham, bacon, pineapple and mushrooms. It was a HEAVY pizza.
And we played cards a little bit and they went to bed early because they are both working the 4am at different stores.
And I looked for something to amuse me for a little while.
I just doesn't get any easier to be away from home. I thought for a while it was passing homesickness, but seriously, now I think I'm just not meant to live far from my family and all my friends for very long.

Crash

I'm in the middle of watching an amazing movie. Crash.

Warning -- Don't read this if you don't want the movie pretty much spoiled. I'm not going to give away the plot, but I'm going to seriously analyze the characters.


It's really intense, and I can only watch it in increments. There is SO much going on in it, so many characters, and each of them is tragic in some way.
Mostly it's about how different races relate to each other in a place where either people have no contact whatsoever, or they are crashing into each other (either verbally or physically).
There are two black men (Ludacris and Larenz Tate) who are constantly at odds because one can find racist intent in the most innocent and sincere of people and places, and unfortunately, he is usually right. The other would rather believe that the world is on his side, though usually it isn't. He also likes country music and playing hockey (not usually considered very "black"). Together the two bicker and carjack unsuspecting white people. Of course, by doing this, they are perpetuating the very stereotypes that Ludacris is constantly preaching about, and that Larenz Tate doesn't believe exist.
There are the DA and his wife (Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock) who are the unfortunate victims of the carjackers. Brendan Fraser is kind of dumbly and arrogantly racist. Racist without the element of understanding or intent. He doesn't realize when he is being offensive, because for the most part, there isn't much difference to him between the races. At one point, when he was discussing how the carjacking would be portrayed in the media (or how he would be portrayed by saying he was carjacked by black men), he says, "WHY did they have to be black?" In his mind, anyone is as capable of the crime, but he isn't thinking about them in any respect but his own career. Sandra Bullock feels no shame in treating people according to their skin color and heritage. She judges based on appearance alone and assumes that there is no problem with this.
There is my favorite character: a hispanic locksmith with lots of tattoos and a shaved head. He is hired by Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock to change their locks after their car is stolen, and immediately it is assumed that he is in a gang and will bring a copy of their new key to his gangbanger friends and they will all rob the house.
He then goes home and tucks his daughter into bed and tries to live an honest life and treat people well. He is about the most sincere character I have encountered yet.
There are Matt Dillon and Ryan Phillippe -- Matt Dillon is a dirty cop who has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to black people. He holds a grudge for his father, who was the employer of a few black guys until affirmative action got them all better-paying jobs and he lost the business. But the father is a decent, honest man and doesn't care about the grudge so Matt Dillon takes his own revenge out on the street with all the people he pulls over. Ryan Phillippe is the rookie partner who naively thinks that Matt Dillon is the aberation and tries to find a safe place among everyone who creates the system he works in, and everyone who survives it by taking the abuse.
There is the black couple who constantly accuse each other of not knowing what it is to be black, because they have money and material possessions and didn't start on the bottom, and they are the victims of Matt Dillon's street justice.
There is a Persian family who own a store and it is their entire life. Clearly they have been robbed and been the victims of hate crimes many times, because the father's first scene is him buying a gun. Later, they talk about how people only hear the accent and think they are Arab or Iraqi (which are both completely different than Persian), and make assumptions, but they make their own assumptions about the Hispanic man who comes to fix their door.
And there is Don Cheadle who is a detective, and possibly the most tragic. He doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't, and he isn't naive in thinking that there are equal standards for everyone. He just can't escape most of the stereotypes -- that it pisses people off that he sleeps with a white woman, that his mom is a heroin junky, that there are dirty cops working in the same system as him. The tragedy of his character is that he no longer fights it, and the system rolls him over.
I have to go back and watch more... It's starting to get good.
___________________________________________________________
OK so I just finished the movie. I wish someone I knew had seen it too, because I would REALLY like to discuss it with someone. There is just SO much going on, but everything that happens is connected to something else and it's all about reactions and results and the relationships between things and people that seem completely random.
And I love stuff like that anyway.
But then you throw in the issue of race, and it is everywhere. And it is UGLY. But more than anything, it's true. The only difference between this movie and what happens in real life, is that you actually hear all of the thoughts. They say everything that's on their minds.
And sometimes their minds are changed. Small miracles and horrible accidents and everything changes.
There is one scene where the rich black man and Ludacris are in a car together (how they both got there is another story). Ludacris would consider himself to be the real black man in this situation, because his life is a struggle and the other guy is a TV producer and drives a nice car and what does he know about being black?
But they go through a "moment" together and the role reverses. They develop a respect for each other, and even though they don't even know each other's names and will never see each other again, the TV producer says "You shame me" to Ludacris. And it MEANS something. It changes him. And he does something with his life, and feels good about it.
The only characters that seem to stay completely static in this movie are Brendan Fraser and Don Cheadle's partner/love interest. They just float through and tell everyone to calm down.
I really liked this movie. I think everyone should go out and rent it.
Also, there is a music video. It's for a song called "If I..." which is honestly, not that great of a song. The only cool part about it is how bizarre of a combination of images they show in the video.
There are 3 guys in the band, one of them plays a mean guitar, one of them raps, and one sings (badly). They are all dressed like ghetto thugs (sorta) but with bandanas, goatees, piercings, cowboy hats, and what might be eyeliner. And one of them is wearing a Beatles shirt.
I don't really get it. But I love it when worlds collide!

I feel like I haven't spoken to Joe in weeks.
Oh that's right. I haven't. I mean. I understand that he's a busy fella, and all, but I don't mind being wherever he needs me to be when he has a crisis. That's what friends do. I also realize that we are far apart, and this no cell phone thing is really not conducive to good communication between me and ANYONE. But it would be nice once in a while, if I could just talk to him...
I've gone through so much crap since I've been here:
Stupid training schedules -- Don't give me 3 consecutive days off. I will LITERALLY be bored to tears. I don't have any friends here.
Stupid money problems -- Not that I don't have any, that's not the problem at all. The problem is that I can't write checks to pay my bills, because my money is all in Canadian funds in a Canadian bank and I need to write a check, send it to my mom, have her deposit it, and go from there. SO DUMB.
Stupid dudes -- Don't get me started on Todd and Gord. Both in one room is a DANGEROUS thing. Gord says that Todd and I argue like an old married couple. Todd just picks on me and calls me a slacker, bumps into me so hard I almost fall in the glazer, instigates SO BADLY. Gord has lost interest in talking to me at all, because there is another girl around. That's fine. He's not all that interesting anymore. Obsessed with sky scrapers. What is that? Subliminal phallic imagery if I've ever seen any.
Stupid bosses -- They JUST DON'T GET IT. I know they understand that this is a tough job, but I don't think they get how much harder this is for me. I'm away from friends and family pretty much for the duration, whereas everyone else lives where they came from and then just ship out from there. The whole money problem. The fact that this STUPID HOTEL didn't send out my car payments for the past 2 months!! My background does not include what I have gone through here.
To make it worse, I guess the rumors were flying about me around the Centre. It's inevitable. It always happens. One person knows "something" or has heard a story, and it just gets bigger. Eventually, I live in a teepee, I'm amish, and I'm a communist.
Or something.
Michael took us out to dinner tonight and at the end, I guess my "lifestyle" came up in conversation, and he said, "So I want to hear about the teepee you live in."
Of course, Gord and Erika have heard the stories and seen the photos, so they helped, mostly by pretending it's no big deal to them.
I've gone through this so many times that I know how to deal with it now. I stood up and said "I'm not starting at the beginning. Ask the questions, we'll go from there."
Hands were raised. Questions were answered.
I taught the class.
They are all googling my name as we speak...
I don't know how the word got out anyway. I only told Erika and Gord. But I did make a comment about the teepees being put up wrong at Onandaga Farms. Michael said that (This get's confusing): Some franchisees heard Gord talking (?? Probably making fun of me.) and then I talked to the training manager at the farms about the teepees, so the three of them conferenced, and then the training manager went to see Michael and talked to him about me, and he went back and discussed with everyone he could find (he does that.) So now the news is out, but since I wasn't the one spreading the word at the Centre, now I'm sure it's going to be all the wrong information.
Whatever. I don't care what people think of me.
Four of us went out to dinner last night and I found THREE tattoo parlors! And I got excited about each of them. So the 2 girls who don't really know me couldn't figure it out. Thought maybe I'm just one of those girls always talking about getting a tattoo, but never actually having the guts. Lots of eye-rolling going on in the Jeep.
So Erika said "Oh yeah, she has 6 of them."
THAT changes things. I love that nobody expects it.
That should teach you not to expect anything based on my appearance!
DUH!
I'm always going to let you THINK that I'm normal. But. I'm never going to BE normal.
It's all part of my charm.
So I'm going back to Maine.
They told me this today. Fantastic. Another 18 days of NOTHING AT ALL TO DO. Only this time, I'm on the night shift. Whatever. That just means I don't have to work with other trainers for about 4 or 5 hours a night. Looking forward to that.
And then hopefully, I'm going to fly out to Arizona for a few days to visit my girls.
Homesickness is setting in again, hardcore.
I need to have a nice little meeting with Michael and tell him how I don't think I'll be returning after January 27th. Just too much hassle to work out of the country, as is proved by my paycheck fiasco.
OK I don't know how this happened, but it's 12:45 am and since I've been up since 3am. So I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm sure I'll have more to say this weekend. Nothing better to do...

Went to Toronto yesterday.
Arrived at my hotel at 12:36am when we got back.
Had to work at 4am.
No energy to think of something interesting to write.
Photos will have to do.
Tallest freestanding man made structure: CN Tower. Went to the top of course. I love heights.

Lake Ontario. Doesn't it look like the ocean? Big lake.

The glass floor. Standing on 3 inches of glass above 1100 feet of air.

LAYING across 3 inches of glass, etc, etc...

Photo from the highest observation deck in the world. 1400 feet above the ground.

I love this photo.

On the town.

That blue domey thing in the back is huge. I don't know what it is though.

OK that's it.
I'm going back to bed.

Didn't I say I was done with this? I'm not doing it any more!
There is a reason why I don't date. A big one! I can't commit to a hair color! How can I possibly believe that there is someone out there who would be willing to wait out all of my insecurities? Besides that, I don't like the idea of answering to someone about all of my major decisions. I'm far too independant and every major choice I've made in the past 2 years has either been expensive or forced me to pick up and leave. In fact, for Europe, it was both!
Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. Maybe I'm not the only person that thinks this way.
I don't know how anyone with this job maintains a relationship. I'm finding it hard to keep in touch with my family and friends, let alone someone I should call daily. As soon as I pay my parents back for helping me buy a car, that will be the end of my financial dependance. And it shouldn't be too far away either.
I'm still dependant on my friends to a degree. I need to know that they are still there somewhere, waiting for me to get back. Even if they are in Arizona. They haven't lost track of me or vice versa. It still matters to them that they know me.
I don't want to be dependant on a guy for that. I'm far to individual and insecure to have to wonder if my ideosyncracies are just too much for him. In my mind, they will always be too much, and also, not enough. I don't want to be the kind of girl that changes myself for the sake of a relationship. If I'm not good enough just like this, then I'm not good enough. Get over it.
And of course, that's easier said than done. Because this is a pretty lonely place, and I'm a very homesick girl. And if a nice guy is kind to me when I'm in a bad spot, then I just might try to become what he wants.
I hate it. But I can't deny that I could do it.
What it comes down to is this:
I'm not looking any farther than what is right in front of me, in flashing neon lights. I'm not trying any harder or thinking any deeper.
What I see is what I get. And I'll be perfectly content if I get nothing.

It's official.
I can't escape the mindset that the next guy I meet might be the right guy, and so I put too much emphasis on things and think too much. It's what I do.
This guy, Gord, is such a nice, fun, interesting, smart guy that all of a sudden, I find that I COULD be physically attracted to him.
I'm not, necessarily. The switch hasn't been turned on. But this is a guy who, by age 28, has gotten his masters degree in urban development and owned his own real estate company selling "green" homes, AKA environmentally friendly homes. He got completely bored with it, because he never saw anything for his efforts. Each goal was months in the making, and milestones were few and far between for tons of effort. So he sold the company and travelled across the US and Canada before deciding what he wanted to do. And here he is.
He's FASCINATED with my house, just on principle. Most people are interested, but he has environmental ideas behind it that I hadn't even thought of.
He hates kids.
He loves heights.
Are we seeing any correlation here? Today, we had another camp day to learn about the T.H. Children's Foundation. We all met at the Centre and got on the bus. 22 of us this time on a bus that sits more than 50. So we all could easily sit by ourselves in each row. But he sat for about 10 seconds and said "I hate sitting by myself. Can I sit with you?" And then every time we got on the bus after that, (and probably every time from now on,) we sat together.
I think the whole group was a little unnerved by me, or at least shocked at me. Nothing new, I know. But today we were at the camp that is a working farm with tons of farm animals, including horses and you know what happens when Kally and horses get together.
True love.
But these horses were ENORMOUS. They were work horses, big black percherons named Pete and Chief, and they were probably the largest, strongest, prettiest beasts I've ever seen. I loved them.
And I climbed right over the fence to see them in the field.
OK, common sense tells us that if these horses weren't gentle, they would not be in contact with 9-12 year old troubled youths. They were sweet and slow moving and gentle and nice, and I was hugging them and kissing their noses and walking around and under their necks and standing between them, which is not at all difficult, if you enjoy horses like I do.
But these are mostly city people, and there were a lot of gasps, and a lot of people were taking pictures of me, and I managed to get one other person, a guy named Rob to come in the field. But every time the horses moved, he would jump back and shriek a little.
They also had teepees at this camp (put up entirely wrong, I might add.) and someone asked a question about them that the tour guide couldn't answer, but I could. So that was funny.
Then we played a heated game of 20 questions on the ride back to the training centre. Always amusing. And then we decided that Gord couldn't just get back in the car and drive to Toronto because it's kind of nice having a social life. So we went to a fish store and visited with some sharks and mexican look-down fish. Then we went to a backpacking/outdoors/hiking supply store and admired all the kayaks. And then we found some friends and went out to dinner.
I had a slight allergic reaction to something in my meal. The guys were a little nervous for a while, because I wasn't looking so happy, but I knew it was minor and I didn't want to stop the party, so I dealt with it. I haven't completely recovered from it. My whole mouth swelled up a bit, and now it feels like I burned my whole mouth and throat on really hot coffee, but my airway didn't close, so I think I'm ok. We were at a restaurant that serves a lot of shellfish dishes and I think it was just a matter of cross contamination. I usually don't have reactions unless I actually eat the shrimp or whatever. It's kind of sucky that I'm getting so sensitive that I don't even have to eat it to have the reaction.
That's not the point of this post.
The point is that I've never met a guy that I could see myself with, without him being physically perfect. Gord has decided that he seriously wants me to take him to RI. I believe him. He's been EVERYWHERE. He loves travelling.
I don't know what I'm talking about. Blah.
I also found out that I have a 4 am bake with Gord and possibly the STUPID TRAINER. That should be interesting. I will be mocked at every opportunity.

P.S.

This is my boot.

Retreat was dumb.
We did lots of stupid "leadership-building" games. Lots of teamwork activities. Plenty of unnecessary things.
There was apple-bobbing.
Friggin apple-bobbing.
I'm also not competitive enough at sports stuff to really care whether we won or lost. I didn't care. So I did what I could with the activities and stared off into oblivion the rest of the time.
I did manage to meet some cool people, all new ones, like me. Most of the time I interacted with the existing team members, they made me feel unnecessary and like a complete rookie. Which I am. But I don't need reminding. I also have more experience actually working in stores than some of the ops reps that have been working for a year. Screw them.
One of the people I met was a guy named Gord. He's really average-looking. Not particularly tall or muscular, but he's interesting, easy to talk to, nice, makes fun of me a lot.
He came over and talked to me when I was sitting bored and lonely in the lodge the first night we were away. We played pool and shuffleboard all night. But shuffleboard is really boring, so we just set up the little stones and smashed them around a lot.
And by the way, I have the potential to ROCK at pool. I was ON. A little bit. Then, last night, a few of us just sat around and talked about whether or not we are sure we like the job. Jury's still out for all of us.
Today, we sat together on the 2-hour ride home and talked about EVERYTHING. Every single thing. It was nice.
I'm not saying I'm "interested." I'm not playing that game again. I don't know anything about him. He could be married with children (though I doubt it, because he hates kids). I know he has been to 38 states and driven across Canada 7 times. Meaning he's got a better record than me, as the states go. He's 28 years old and has an older brother and 2 older half sisters. And then maybe some political views and what he's done for a living.
I taught him how to say the name of the state fish of Hawaii. (For anyone who doesn't know it's Humu humu nuku nuku apu a a. It's a mouthful.)
I am going to see him tomorrow. We're both scheduled to go to another camp retreat, but it's just a one day thing, to tour the Children's Foundation.
I think he could potentially be a really good friend. And I don't have too many of those up here, so I kind of like it.
This is me, Gord, and Erica. All of us are brand new. I'm the only one who's gone on an opening so far.

I friggin HATE HIM!!!!!
Don't waste your breath asking what's wrong. I'm homesick. I'm ALWAYS going to be homesick. You can stop wondering.
Don't say "punk," or "butthead," or try to trip me whenever I walk by.
Don't call me "honey," or "sweetheart," or "little girl." I have never been called "little girl" for good reason. There is nothing LITTLE about me. Even my hair is large and in charge. I'm especially larger than someone we BOTH KNOW. Well, taller, anyway.

I'm back at the centre for ONE STUPID DAY. Walking around calibrating machines for my equipment training, and he was baking. First he ignored me for an hour. Then he started in with "What's wrong? Are you ok, little girl? Are you sure? Do you need to talk?"
And then he acted like a 12-year-old and muttered names under his breath whenever I walked by, and/or tried to trip me.
And he warned everyone who would listen about me, and not to tempt me because I might bust out in a silly walk or start singing or having fun or something.

He touched my ass once, and I could complain about that, but I'm pretty sure it was accidental.
We were doing our review in the breakroom, and he walked by 3 or 4 times and stared at me everytime. And then the fiancee showed up, and he made her come and say hello to me. I heard them.
Him "Did you see? Kally's here! Did you say hi?"
Her "Yes, I waved. Let's go."

Mostly I just want to complain about him.
I'm just mad that I have to be back here. Not so much because of him, just in general. I want to be at home. The more time I spend here, the less I like it.

When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Just blame the damn Canadian Thanksgiving."
He asked why. I said because it's not my holiday, and I was bored out of my skull.
He said I should have come over and had dinner with him.

Nice. That sounds like a great idea. Bastard.

I formally apologize for what is to follow. I'm honestly THAT bored. I haven't left my hotel room other than to go to the gas station next door and buy some haagen dazs and bottled water. Cabin fever. A little early. Blame Thanksgiving.

And just for the sake of looking like the devil:

I need to venture out and see if Wal-Mart is open. JUST BECAUSE. I think the walls are getting closer to me.
I've watched the same show on muchmusic twice now.
I watched Breakfast At Tiffany's, which I love, but I always feel bad for the cat in the end.
I NEED TO GET OUT.

My hair is not red anymore.
It's a dark coffee brown again. Let's see how long it lasts this time.
Someday I'm going to stop dying my hair. Not soon though.
I'm in love with Heath Ledger. I bought 10 Things I Hate About You yesterday. He is a beautiful, beautiful man. I also bought Breakfast At Tiffany's, which I plan to watch a little later. I haven't done any laundry yet, but, you know, one thing at a time. I don't have my equipment shift until 2pm tomorrow (WHICH TOTALLY SUCKS!) so I have a lot of hours to fill until then. I also have to confirm that, yes, I am in fact checking out of my hotel room Wednesday morning before I go to the Operations convention, or whatever they're calling it, in Parry Sound. I've got the WHOLE cosume set. And there will be MANY photos available, I'm sure. I plan to bring both cameras, the little digi and the big Nikon. I just have to go to Wal-Mart tomorrow sometime and pick up some more film.
God I'm bored.
You have to be bored to need to stretch out your free time the way I am. I'm scheduling my showers and when I'll watch my movies.
Pathetic.
I know.

I have SO much hair.


Sorry. This is Elisha's influence on me. I'm bored and there is literally NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
So I got out the camera for a minute. I can't even believe how much hair I have. I have a LOT of hair. It looks bigger today than it has in a while. I curled it for about an hour this morning.
I think my hair is my best (only ideal) feature, so I have as much fun with it as possible.
:)
It's also very entertaining when I'm bored.

Hanging around.

I hate being bored.
It doesn't happen too often. I can usually find some way to amuse myself. When I had 18 hour travel days in Europe, I never got this bored. I think the problem now is boredom + home-sickness + lots of loneliness.
Deadly combination.
I've decided I'm done with this job after January 27th, when my contract is up.
::Pause.
What's this? Napoleon Dynomite is hosting SNL? WEIRD!
And why is his hair big, girly and wig-like?
>>Play
What was I saying?
Right. January 27th. Done.
I haven't told the bosses yet, though.
I know how it works with this company. People end up staying for 15 or 20 years and if they work their way through the ranks, they buy stores and become franchisees, and make money off of it when they retire.
This is not what I want.
I'm not content with this job, and I don't want to stay here just because the money is so good. I don't want to fear risk. I don't want to hide behind someone else's name forever.
The good thing about this whole experience, though, is that I found out that Tim Hortons stores in Canada are not nearly as perfect as the Canadians wanted us to think. They are beat up and dirty and generally have very average customer service. Fortunately, average for Tim Hortons is still pretty good.
It just made me feel better. They were all boasting about the perfection of Tim Hortons for so long, it felt good to know they weren't.
We all know how much I hate perfection...

This one's for you, Chers. :)
Miss you guys!

What the hell...?

I don't know what was going on next door at 7am this morning, but it sounded like someone had locked themselves into/out of room 219 and they were trying to get back in.
There was clicking on something (maybe the card slot?) and there was banging. And they called the room about 8 times, but no one answered. I briefly thought (mostly because I wasn't entirely awake) that maybe the people inside had died with the door shut, and now they were trying to get them out. But I quickly abandoned that idea, when they FINALLY got the door open and there were no shrieks of horror. Either they were NOT dead (I wouldn't have been TOO surprised though, cause they were loud, drunk, and obnoxious last time I heard them 3 days ago), or the housekeeping staff here is WAY too desensitized to that sort of thing.
Where did that come from?
I don't know.
I have two days off.
Which would be nice if I were at home. But here, I'll just sit in my hotel room. And wait until I go back to work. I'll either spend a LOT of money and eat WAY too much. Or I'll sleep through the whole thing, and won't eat anything.
And I guess it's Thanksgiving here on Monday. So everyone here feels bad for me, because I'm here and not home with my family. But I keep telling them, it's not a holiday for me.
Feel bad for me at the end of November.
I've set some goals for myself again. But they have to be accomplished tonight or tomorrow from 12p-6pm. Because everything is closed on Monday. See afore-mentioned Thanksgiving holiday.
I need to buy my belt and mondo "K" belt buckle. I need to find some cowboy boots.
I need to stock up on edible things to prepare for monday. I need to get a little money out of the bank.
Who vaccuums at 7pm? What hotel hasn't finished the daily chores by 7pm?
Silly question. The same hotel that attempts to bust into a room at 7am when everyone in the rooms surrounding that room are sleeping.
What was I thinking? I should know better.
Gave myself a mani-pedi last night. All my nails are glistening. It's fabulous. No one at work was as excited about it as I am. But, I mostly worked with Kevin, who is a VERY sarcastic Indian guy. He's hilarious. Loves pick-up lines. I gave him a new one today: Just call me milk, cause I'll do your body good!
He's partial to: Do you have a boyfriend? Do you cheat?
I have him trained for optimum tip-making. I told him he has to stop calling women "ma'am" and start calling all women "miss." He didn't get it, and no amount of explaining convinces him that "ma'am" implies AGE. But he does it, and the tips are flowing in.
I also told him that he can't suggestive sell after someone says "A medium regular and THAT'S IT." Ha.
Rookie.
Sorry, that's shop talk. I'll stop now.
Hello? People? Is anyone reading this? I wouldn't know! I DON'T GET ANY COMMENTS! Leave me comments. Please?
:)

I Want Too Much

I just spent entirely TOO much money.
I've been doing that a lot lately. But in my own defense, it was less in a American money...
?
I bought a cowboy hat, because I have to go to that stupid hoedown next week, and if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it right! Dammit! I looked at cowboy boots, but the only reasonably priced pair I saw were only available in my size in TEAL. And you just don't wear teal cowboy boots. I'm trying again tomorrow afternoon. I also bought a red bandana which I will tie around my neck and I found a brown belt that I'm going to buy (because I actually need a brown belt) and I'm also going to buy a HUGE bling-y belt buckle with the letter K on it. For obvious reasons. I'm going to wear that with jeans, my brown-striped white shirt (tucked in) and my tan cord jacket.
This is a contest, people. And I'm gonna win it.
No, well, I probably won't. But I'm gonna try! It's only fair that the ONE American in the room (with a jeep named "Cowboy." HELLO!) goes ALL OUT for this event. There's just no such thing as a Canadian cowboy. I'm sorry, but there isn't. You don't ride horses across the tundra in parkas!
No, that's what huskies and dogsleds are for!
Getting back to the things I spent my money on today:
A flashlight and an alarm clock -- both justifiable purchases if you ask me. A little cordless optical mouse that changes colors and a big, bad game of crazy Tetris (not quite so easy to rationalize...) for Cobalt, my new laptop (also a bit of a spuratic buy, but in my opinion, TOTALLY worth it.).
And then there's the $40 I spent at the kiosk in the middle of the mall. This girl called me over in that way that you WANT to escape getting drawn in but you just can't do it politely, like when they are doing the "drawing" for the free home security system, so you sign up cause you feel bad, and then everybody wins one.
Yeah, just like that.
But she did this crazy buffy thing on one of my nails (the middle one of my left hand actually. I'm looking at it right now.), and did all the cuticle oil and lotion and everything, and it's INCREDIBLE! It's shinier than if I had used clear nail polish. I wish everyone could see it!
I'm such a sucker.
She knew that was gonna be an easy sell.
She did one nail, and started to go for another one and I just said "Um... OK."
I've GOT to work up some tolerance.
OK well, I'm going to go eat some dinner, AKA Subway. As usual.
Then I'm going to do my nails, play some Tetris on my laptop with my optical mouse, set my alarm clock and go to bed. :)
Wearing my cowboy hat.
Had to work that in somehow.

You know what I hate?
I hate it when people say "extra-ordinary." That is not how the word extrordinary is spelled. Why is it pronounced that way? It doesn't seem like it should mean unusual or special. It sounds like it should mean especially normal. Although, I don't know how that could occur...
There is a guy on TV who just used the word (and continues to use the word) at every opportunity. I want to throw my shoe at the TV.
I have such a headache. I know I have to go get dressed, walk down and bring my suitcases upstairs (which sucks. SUCKS.) and then take a shower and get dressed in clean clothes.
I don't think the Centre knows I'm here. Agnes had told me that she wants me back in Canada for the 5th. Which I thought meant that I started work/training on the 5th and I needed to be back on the 4th and ready to work. But I haven't heard from them. So I'm going to stop in later, pick up my paycheck, open a bank account somewhere and set up my direct deposit with them. I'll just do my errands today and try to get my bearings.
I haven't spent any decent amount of time in Canada in a month. Isn't that WEIRD?
At least I'm already 2 months through this ordeal. I know I have to go have a "meeting" with Michael and express to him my concerns about the Auburn opening.
And vice versa, I suppose.
He's going to get an EARFUL.
And I'm going to tell him that I won't be renewing my contract in January because I really need to be closer to home. I really need to be closer to my family and friends. There is just too much going on.
I also can't stand the idea that life is going on without me there. I know, it's stupid. But it's true! Just because I'm away, doesn't mean my life stops. It just means I'm not a part of it anymore. It's so depressing. Decisions are made without my input. I'm not even informed of what happens at my home and in my family because they can't call.
Just waiting out the remaining months.

Welcome to the Shitbox Hotel.

I'm back.
I made the 10-hour trek back to Canada today. Totally the most depressing trip I've ever taken. It was hard leaving today because I knew what I was coming back to. We weren't all sobby and clingy like last time. I guess that part got easier.
But being at home was so great. Hanging out with Mel and Joe and feeling like I was 10 years old again. Having no responsibilities greater than keeping the plans I made with everyone. And having enough money to finance it all.
I have never been so grateful just to go home for a week. And hang out with my dog. (We went for walks.) And sit around and do nothing with some of my oldest friends.
And the MadLibs! The MadLibs were great. They always are. We did deep nipple bends, and told the babysitter to give the baby the warm oily discharge at 6.5:30 o'clock.
Yeah, maybe that's only funny to me. But it was DAMN funny when we were reading it!
Right. Now I'm sitting in a dark hotel room. Except it's not dark enough because I forgot to shut the bathroom light off. Shoot.
And I'm watching the cheesey Canadian rip-off of MTV. Crappy.
And what's really funny is that they know that MTV is out there, but they don't seem to understand that it came first and Much Music copied them. So they "What do you have in the US? MTV? (Said with emphasis, in a mocking way.)"
And then I have to tell them how their show is going to end because I watched it when it was new in August. The only really original things about Much Music are a few mediocre TRL-like shows that are filmed in Toronto. They have a total of 4 veejays who are constantly recycled for a bunch of different shows. And the same people who mock MTV will brag that they met one or two of them. Which can't be that hard because they are not really celebrities.
Not that all this even matters to me, or that I'm a huge fan of MTV. Because it doesn't, and I'm not. But I love it when stupid people don't realize they don't know what they're talking about, and I get to catch them.
Good for you, pal. Rock on.
And the girl on this show just said The Killers played with the Pussycat Dolls.
What???
They definitely don't get it. That's just wrong.

Making the long but pleasant trip back to Ontario. Dangerous things happen when I'm in a car by myself for too long. I start to think.
I just heard the best strip tease song on the radio. It's not new, and for the record, It's more about taking someone ELSE'S clothes off. It's called You Can Leave Your Hat On by Etta James. Bear in mind, this is not the first time I have expressed my opinion about this song. But i made the mistake of telling someone about it, who had a crush on a guy and fantacized about him wearing only his backwards baseball cap.
Well, i hereby reclaim that song as my very own strip tease song.
Dibs.