Yeah.
So I wouldn't say being home is any easier than being on the road.
I've already gotten in an all-out battle with my brother over Joe. And made myself look like a fool and sniffled and sobbed and proven that I am, in fact, the most insecure member of my family. It literally took Joe repeating that no, he is NOT closer to Aaron than me to convince me that he was telling the truth and not just trying to shut me up.
These past few months have obviously done some damage. I don't think I really realized it until now. I'm CONSTANTLY seeking approval from someone, trying to keep everything in order, freaking myself out about the dumbest things, craving someone's attention.
I think I was always a little bit like this, but since I got home, I've noticed how much those months alone on the road and in hotels has changed me. You can't just undo all the stuff that has already been done. Those friggin crew leaders managed to put it in my head that I am NOT good at what I do. It screws with your self worth, when all you have to think about or aim for is the approval of someone you really don't know or like, for 12 hours out of each day. Doesn't that seem pathetic?
That's because it is. And what's more pathetic, I never felt like I achieved any of it, until the last couple days I was there, when Brad (my last CL) told me that I worked harder and complained less than many of the Canadians that he's worked with, and no matter what anyone tells me, I WAS one of them, a bona fide member of that team. It's over now. As of today, the last day of my contract. But for those last 3 days, it mattered to me.
And now, I have managers and district managers falling over themselves trying to convince me to stay in New England. I had to work 3 shifts in CT, and as management goes, I was a superstar (because no one else there had 6 weeks of TDL Training Centre training) so they want me, and I think, if they want to pay me, I might stick around for a while.
My ego needs the boost.
So I wouldn't say being home is any easier than being on the road.
I've already gotten in an all-out battle with my brother over Joe. And made myself look like a fool and sniffled and sobbed and proven that I am, in fact, the most insecure member of my family. It literally took Joe repeating that no, he is NOT closer to Aaron than me to convince me that he was telling the truth and not just trying to shut me up.
These past few months have obviously done some damage. I don't think I really realized it until now. I'm CONSTANTLY seeking approval from someone, trying to keep everything in order, freaking myself out about the dumbest things, craving someone's attention.
I think I was always a little bit like this, but since I got home, I've noticed how much those months alone on the road and in hotels has changed me. You can't just undo all the stuff that has already been done. Those friggin crew leaders managed to put it in my head that I am NOT good at what I do. It screws with your self worth, when all you have to think about or aim for is the approval of someone you really don't know or like, for 12 hours out of each day. Doesn't that seem pathetic?
That's because it is. And what's more pathetic, I never felt like I achieved any of it, until the last couple days I was there, when Brad (my last CL) told me that I worked harder and complained less than many of the Canadians that he's worked with, and no matter what anyone tells me, I WAS one of them, a bona fide member of that team. It's over now. As of today, the last day of my contract. But for those last 3 days, it mattered to me.
And now, I have managers and district managers falling over themselves trying to convince me to stay in New England. I had to work 3 shifts in CT, and as management goes, I was a superstar (because no one else there had 6 weeks of TDL Training Centre training) so they want me, and I think, if they want to pay me, I might stick around for a while.
My ego needs the boost.
posted by Kally Hanifin at 5:44:00 PM
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