Didn't I say I was done with this? I'm not doing it any more!
There is a reason why I don't date. A big one! I can't commit to a hair color! How can I possibly believe that there is someone out there who would be willing to wait out all of my insecurities? Besides that, I don't like the idea of answering to someone about all of my major decisions. I'm far too independant and every major choice I've made in the past 2 years has either been expensive or forced me to pick up and leave. In fact, for Europe, it was both!
Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. Maybe I'm not the only person that thinks this way.
I don't know how anyone with this job maintains a relationship. I'm finding it hard to keep in touch with my family and friends, let alone someone I should call daily. As soon as I pay my parents back for helping me buy a car, that will be the end of my financial dependance. And it shouldn't be too far away either.
I'm still dependant on my friends to a degree. I need to know that they are still there somewhere, waiting for me to get back. Even if they are in Arizona. They haven't lost track of me or vice versa. It still matters to them that they know me.
I don't want to be dependant on a guy for that. I'm far to individual and insecure to have to wonder if my ideosyncracies are just too much for him. In my mind, they will always be too much, and also, not enough. I don't want to be the kind of girl that changes myself for the sake of a relationship. If I'm not good enough just like this, then I'm not good enough. Get over it.
And of course, that's easier said than done. Because this is a pretty lonely place, and I'm a very homesick girl. And if a nice guy is kind to me when I'm in a bad spot, then I just might try to become what he wants.
I hate it. But I can't deny that I could do it.
What it comes down to is this:
I'm not looking any farther than what is right in front of me, in flashing neon lights. I'm not trying any harder or thinking any deeper.
What I see is what I get. And I'll be perfectly content if I get nothing.
There is a reason why I don't date. A big one! I can't commit to a hair color! How can I possibly believe that there is someone out there who would be willing to wait out all of my insecurities? Besides that, I don't like the idea of answering to someone about all of my major decisions. I'm far too independant and every major choice I've made in the past 2 years has either been expensive or forced me to pick up and leave. In fact, for Europe, it was both!
Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. Maybe I'm not the only person that thinks this way.
I don't know how anyone with this job maintains a relationship. I'm finding it hard to keep in touch with my family and friends, let alone someone I should call daily. As soon as I pay my parents back for helping me buy a car, that will be the end of my financial dependance. And it shouldn't be too far away either.
I'm still dependant on my friends to a degree. I need to know that they are still there somewhere, waiting for me to get back. Even if they are in Arizona. They haven't lost track of me or vice versa. It still matters to them that they know me.
I don't want to be dependant on a guy for that. I'm far to individual and insecure to have to wonder if my ideosyncracies are just too much for him. In my mind, they will always be too much, and also, not enough. I don't want to be the kind of girl that changes myself for the sake of a relationship. If I'm not good enough just like this, then I'm not good enough. Get over it.
And of course, that's easier said than done. Because this is a pretty lonely place, and I'm a very homesick girl. And if a nice guy is kind to me when I'm in a bad spot, then I just might try to become what he wants.
I hate it. But I can't deny that I could do it.
What it comes down to is this:
I'm not looking any farther than what is right in front of me, in flashing neon lights. I'm not trying any harder or thinking any deeper.
What I see is what I get. And I'll be perfectly content if I get nothing.
posted by Kally Hanifin at 5:34:00 PM
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