When I Step Into The Light...

The only Christmas decoration we put up

2007-12-15T10:53:00.001-05:00

Santa is flying through the galaxy! Look how his beard is smooshed back against his neck. this santa is swedish and in sweden he has wings instead of a sleigh. I mean, if you're going to teach your kids to believe holiday delusions, why Not keep it simple? That's probably why there are 8 reindeer now. They kept forgetting what the names were. "Oh i said comet last year? Well there is a comet. AND a cupid."
-k-

2007-10-27T22:28:00.001-04:00

Let the halloweening begin. Says medusa.
-k-

2007-10-24T16:35:00.000-04:00

I never tire of this scean

2007-09-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

this hurts.

2007-07-30T23:51:00.000-04:00

i have spent the past month torturing myself with my new job and my new home. in one case, it's too similar, and in the other, it's too different.
working at tim hortons always left a bitter taste in my mouth. for months, my friends told me i needed to quit and even tried to find me new jobs, which i know they meant to be helpful and supportive, but really just cemented in my own personal inadequacies. this is all i'm meant to do. everyone else has their college degrees and glowing resumes. i have 6 years of food service management and a few useless years at college. i have never, ever felt like i have "made it," especially in comparison to my gorgeous, successful friends.
so i finally got up the guts to find something different, following the criteria that it would support me, it wouldn't overwhelm me, and i'd work fewer hours.
somehow, this new job hasn't really fit any of that. i may not work the absurd hours that i put in before, but an 8 hour shift is interminable because i don't know what i'm doing. i'm constantly under the pressure of trying to lead a team, which already knows the way, to do something that i don't know how to do, and they do.
and to top it all off, i'm paid about $5000 less. i hate that money is such an issue, but it has to be. i have bills and they have to be paid. there is no way around it.
so i guess the problem now is not how different my job is now, but how similar to the one i was trying to escape.
i left a house that was beautiful and perfect for me, but no longer home. in fact, i'm not sure i was ever trully home there. for the first few months that i lived there, it was still gram's house. her old avon perfume still lingered in the closets and hallways, and it was filled entirely with her things. i lived among relics of a previous generation. a dead generation.
3 months in maine made a hotel feel more like home than my library, and then when i got back, i spent 8 months with no hot water, no cooking, spotty electricity, a completely unreliable roommate, a dying dog and still all of the belongings of someone who had died nearly a year before. it was never mine. i could have painted every surface of the house green, and it wouldn't have felt like home.
but i had my friends and my mom within 20 minutes. i could always hop in the car and spend the night somewhere else when i needed a break from my ugly reality.
when i came here, i had such high hopes. i didn't kid myself with the thought that everything would be easy once i started fresh. i know better than that. i have closed so many chapters and opened so many new ones in the past few years that there has never really been an easily made decision, and leaving tim hortons was one of them.
i have never cried so hard or so long as the day i submitted my resignation, and the last day i worked.
but being here makes me feel strangely unstable. at least during the shittiest, longest, most difficult and unending day at tim hortons, i knew i could handle it. i knew what was coming next, and didn't have to worry that it would ever be something i hadn't faced before, or couldn't devise a solution for. i just don't do well with panic and instability. i am fiercely independent and need to feel like i have my feet on solid ground, and though i knew everything would be different, i never expected to be free-falling. this company is supposed to be about "treating partners with respect and dignity." it's the first guiding principle of the mission statement. amazingly, i felt more respected and dignified at tim hortons because they believed me when i said i wasn't ready for a task. they trusted my instincts. i trusted my instincts. and i don't anymore, because i feel like they have led me astray.
to make matters worse, the people that might make me feel better about myself, namely my mom, mel, and my cousins, are all more than an hour's drive away, and moving on without me. as much as i don't like needing people, i have to feel like they need me, and that is not the case.
this is chery's home. her entire life is set up here, with family and friends. she has invited me into her life, which is a lovely thing, but it's HER life. i'm not comfortable with the thought of erupting into tears over a bad day at work in front of these people. i hate crying, but more than anything else, i hate crying in public. i fight it until it hurts, and then i hide in my bed.
and everyone's lives go on without me. the only people i communicate on a daily basis are the people whose coffees i make. the people telling me that i'm ready to do the job that i know that i'm not ready to do. hiding out in this room is the only safe action for me, that fits into this new criteria of "just survive."
that's it. just make this work. figure it out. find a balance. find stability.
but do it all in a way that doesn't involve the job, or the friends at home who are unavailable to talk, or my roommate who i see once every 8 days. it is not their fault. it's just that they have lives and i don't.
when i need to communicate, this is what i do. this is what i've always done. i have to get it out and put it in a place that isn't going to lose my thoughts, that i can go back to and read when i feel more secure, wherever i am. i have to put it somewhere that isn't necessarily read, but that could be, should i need to share these emotions with someone else.
i have to express. there was a time when all i had to do was pick up my brushes and get moving, but as i get older, i am less inspired. i see paintings through jaded eyes. my liaison to my painted past jumped in front of a train, and i have never fully recovered from that shattering sensation that i'm the sole owner of any of our shared memories. i am the only "most artistic" left. that seems so silly, but it meant so much in the moment, before there were things like new jobs and new homes. and in a year, when i go for a 10 year reunion, i will carry that title alone.

this is my outlet. as much as people think i do things "against" them, it's more that my mind works despite them, and when i feel volatile, this is how i release the pressure.

2007-07-26T07:13:00.001-04:00

what!?

2007-05-24T22:58:00.001-04:00

12:56am

2007-03-22T02:16:00.000-04:00

it is 12:56am. i'm sure i could find something worthwhile to work on, but i just don't want to. my feet hurt and my chair is comfortable. the big part of tonight's work doesn't begin for 2 more hours. i'm already ahead of the game by not being asleep on my desk, as i was last night at this time. as it is, i've rolled myself out behind the counter where my lethargy is visible to both cameras and customers. but i don't care, because i could be asleep right now, in a warm bed, fighting a pushy dog for my half of the blankets.
i'm also slightly alarmed at a new numbness in my left hand. if it were my right hand, i could easily explain it away as my carpel tunnel syndrome flaring up. the left hand his more problematic and i'm hoping i won't be suffereing later from a stroke or a stress-induced heart attack. i suppose only time will tell.
i bought new sneakers through a copany that specializes in non-slip work shoes and they are surprisingly cute and good quality. unfortunately, my feet have become so acustomed to poor quality shoes that they are complaining fiercely. don't be surprised if you see me in my work shoes somewhere out in the real world. it's not so much that i have need to break in the shoes. it's my feet that need to conform.
in other news, my computer is broken again i'm annoyed but not especially distraught about this. i managed to get it up and running long enough to move all important files to an external harddrive before the computer crashed again and had to be completely formatted. it's not back to normal yet. tim is booked for friday to fix it (and then maybe drive my jeep around as repayment.:)
uh oh. the new guy found something to do. maybe i'll go find a broom and pretend to sweep for a while...

2007-03-20T22:38:00.000-04:00

on the very long list of sounds that i love, i have just added water hitting skin. i realized this in the shower of course, since all of my best epiphanes take place in the shower (not where you thought i was going with that, was it?). it necessitated an extra 8 to 10 minutes of analysis and contemplation therein.
it really is one of my favorite sounds, and i have no reasonable explanation for it than the comfort i associate with it.
actually, it might be time for a list.
this is a (far from comprehensive) list of sounds that i love.
- the rain against my window. i just never understood the song where she says "i can't stand the rain against my window," as it is clearly one of the most soothing sounds out there. similarly, i love the sound of snow falling on the roof of my parents' house when i'm napping upstairs.
- someone breathing in bed next to me. let me clarify 2 things: 1. i don't like to be surprised by the sound of someone breathing next to me in bed. i like to go to sleep knowing that it will be there. 2. please note that i did not say "snoring."
- the ocean, but who doesn't love that sound? i especially love having deep, moving, life-altering conversations to the rhythm of a restless ocean. such conversations are always much more important.
- etta james in her wild youth. the gruffness of her voice in the song you can leave your hat on. it is not a voice you disobey.
- ivan's "mrph!" it's his "i want something that i can't get!" noise. it's small, insistent in a plaintive way, urgent, and all-around cute.
- irish clog dancing. it's so impressive, and mostly because i know i will never have the coordination to actually do it.
- the sound of biting into a really crisp apple, or crunchy carrots, especially, from inside my own head. that sound implies freshness, and i know that i'm doing something right for my body.
and it's excellent when you are having a snack in the middle of a quiet scene of a suspenseful movie, when everyone is listening intently. it's good for a laugh.
- 2nd gear. do you drive stick? then you know. 2nd gear is for power. 1st just gets you moving, and 3rd and up are for speed. 2nd gear is where the beast lives in my jeep.
- peep frogs! especially this time of year, when they could start any day, and i listen so hopefully at dusk anytime i am near a potential hatchery. forget the robin. peep frogs are the harbinger of spring.
- when you were a kid, did you ever dunk your head under water when you were swimming, and then splash your arms next to your ears and listen to the bubbles swarm around your face?
just me on that one? well. give it a try. it's a great sound.
- that opera song "the flower duet." i'm not a huge fan of opera, but i can recognize greatness when i hear it.
- campfire crackles. nothing sounds more like summer to me.
- a frozen lake stress cracking in the middle of the night. it sounds like this: BWOP! at least, to me it does. also, somehow, it is more of a feeling that goes through you than a sound in your ears. it will wake you up in the middle of the night, but leave you wondering what exactly it was that disturbed you.
- i miss the concorde. it shook the windows every morning at 9:05. now we occasionally have a very minor earthquake (because, believe it or not, richmond is on a fault line) and the windows will rattle for no reason, and i think it's the concorde. i'm always so disappointed when i remember it no longer flies.
- morning birds. when we were little, papa woke us up every weekend with the singing birds on the first 5 minutes of a public radio program called morning pro musica. it was a lovely start to the day, and far more pleasant than the polka music that generally followed if we didn't get up quickly enough.
- actual morning birds. the ones outside that always get louder as the days get warmer. also, whipoorwills, but they come out at dusk. and the ruffed grouse, but he sounds like a frustrated farmer trying to get his tractor to start. seriously, the ruffed grouse attracts a mate by beating his wings percussively and rhythmically against his chest. it sounds like a deisel engine far away that keeps turning over and never quite starts.
- hoofbeats on hard-packed earth. i just want to be wherever they are, and go wherever they are going.
ok that's enough for now. do you have a list?

2007-03-20T22:32:00.000-04:00

i found a feather in my undies today.
i was in the ladies' room, which is where i occasionally go just to sit and escape more than perform any bodily function. i have an office, but people talk to me in there. the bathroom provides 5 minutes of uninterrupted solitude.
so i was sitting peacefully, staring at my lap, like you do, because there is nothing else to stare at. just as i was lapsing into daydream, i found a small, fluffy, brown and white feather. it was an unexpected sight. confusing, to say the least.
i have a few hypotheses about how it got there:
1. a chicken borrowed my underwear. this seems unlikely. i just don't feel close enough to any poultry to lend them my intimate apparel.
2. my st. patrick's day weekend was more exciting that i remember. granted, there are small windows of time that are, as yet, unaccounted for, but i'm trully hoping that if this possible scenario took place, it involved a man in a chicken suit, as opposed to the real thing.
or maybe big bird. i'm not saying he would be ideal, but at least he would be more explainable.
3. i am growing feathers in odd and inexplicable places. again, i can't see how this could be true, but i also can't see how a father made it into my undies to begin with.
if you have any other, more plausible theories, please share.

how much do you know about the maori?

2007-01-31T10:30:00.000-05:00

seriously. i honestly can't say i know much.
i know they exist.
wait. let's go back.
do you know who the maori are?
if you answered yes, skip the next paragraph. if you answered no:
the maori are the indigenous people of new zealand. i don't know much either, but apparently they have a very complex culture. their spiritual explanation of their origin is that their ancestors lived in hawaii and one of them rode a whale to new zealand and started the tribal nation there.
right. continuing on.
whale rider is easily one of the most beautiful and amazing movies i've ever seen.
i love anything tragic. no so much in the "everyone dies in the end" sense. more in the sense that every character has a fault that they either can't identify or can't repair, and it causes a barrier between them and the other characters. i'm perfectly happy to watch a movie that has no happy ending because of the tragic flaws of the characters. that's not really true. i get very attached to the characters and it can make me sob pathetically, but what i mean is, i love identifying with the characters and i love a movie that makes me feel something.
this movie definitely does, but the beautiful part of this movie (aside from the scenery of eastern new zealand, which is incredible, and the underwater footage of the whales, which is beyond compare) is that it has a happy ending.
there is so much potential for utter sadness and it ends in such an uplifting, gorgeous way.
i don't want to give it away. really, i want someone to see it and discuss it with me so i can gush about every specific part that i loved.
get on that, will you?

2006-12-17T20:01:00.000-05:00

2006-11-10T05:36:00.000-05:00

2006-11-09T22:42:00.000-05:00

This was not on purpose. And as Louis was rearranging the letters for me, these words actually escaped his mouth: "Do you want me to just put on my pants? I'm just gonna put my pants on..." Overall, it was a bad day. This made it a little better, though.

2006-10-14T00:27:00.000-04:00

-Kally-

2006-10-14T00:25:00.000-04:00

-Kally-

2006-09-05T21:14:00.000-04:00

It's in the very beginning stages. I'm still not sure about it yet though.
-Kally-

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2006-08-07T21:08:00.000-04:00

Saw this when i was driving. Pretty much describes maine.
I LOVE my road husband Michael. He never changes. He gave a yell when he saw me and said "gimme some sugar!" and then in one breath, asked where i was staying, and did i want to go to the festival tonight, It's on him, and don't i have a hotel room? That's ok, i can stay in his.
It's so nice to have people i know in the same state...

2006-08-05T06:24:00.000-04:00

I'd say i'm looking pretty friggin cheerful for 6:06am, and 40 miles out from the hotel. i can't remember if the ops team i'm joining for the day has reached hands-off week yet (fingers crossed!). but it will be so nice to see michael - my road husband, we always looked after each other on location, and sarah - my hotel mate who got me the drunkest I've ever been last halloween, because she knew i needed it. at least i have some positive memories from the canada experience. :)

2006-08-02T10:01:00.000-04:00

I miss this wall.

2006-07-14T20:21:00.000-04:00

Beige.

2006-07-14T20:20:00.000-04:00

Pinkish.

2006-06-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

I'm at a baseball game and Slugger the mascot just gave me a kiss!

2006-06-10T05:40:00.000-04:00

It is 5:37am on my first day off all week. The day for which I was trully relishing the thought of sleeping in. At 5:28am, the fire alarm went off.
It's really, really loud.
I'm sitting in the bathtub with a pillow, where my noise reducing earphones, because the only quieter place I could possibly find besides (as the front desk person suggested) going to sit in my car.
But that would be colder as well as quieter.
I hope this doesn't happen often here.

2006-06-09T23:29:00.000-04:00

OK.
I get it.
I have extremely irresponsible posting practices.
I have been informed of my problem by 2 people in the past 24 hours. I'm attempting to appease everyone and change my poor posting ways.
But for the record, though I'm an irresponsible poster, I'm a VERY responsible T.Ho's employee. I worked 5:30am to about 10pm, with a little while off in between for the sake of laying on my hotel bed and playing with myspace.
Obviously, this is time wisely used.
I'm *supposed* to be going to a SeaDogs game tomorrow, as a guest of my district manager and Channel 8 news. I don't know what that means, but it's a social occasion, and they don't actually come around very often. Since I'm all alone here. And have no friends. At all.
By the way, I'm allowed to have visitors. So. Feel free. You know?
I got so bored last night that I put on my shoes and took pictures of them.
I mean, seriously.
How bored can one person really be.
I'll show you. THIS BORED.

By the way. I love Sex and the City and Family Guy. Definitely my 2 favorite TV shows. Or maybe just the only 2 shows I watch.
"OH! I feel so deliciously white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!" (Just for clarification, that was a quote from Stewie. Not me.)
And soy crisps are my new favorite snacks. Just in case you felt like sending me some.
Comment for my address. :)
Or just comment, because I love comments.

2006-05-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

2006-05-08T19:04:00.000-04:00

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2006-04-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

Well, he's done it. I thought I would be the first one to get fed up with Aaron's idiocy, but I was actually the survivor. Donny called me pissed off, looking for my mom's number. He claims Aaron has been taking things out of his room.
Now, far be it from me to say that he hasn't. There is a very high probability that he has. This is Aaron we're talking about, after all.
BUT. Donny was definitely on something when he was asking me for mom's number. In fact, I'm not sure I've even seen him NOT on something. Which is pathetic. And one of the potential side affects is paranoia, and he was telling me about how he didn't have any pot left and Aaron stole something...important. I'm actually not trying to be vague. I really don't know what it was. I was just trying to get off the phone with him, really.
I, on the other hand, am enjoying a weekend in Virginia! Yay! It's just a little vacation from real life (annoying brother, perma-high housemate, work drama -- let's not even get started on that), but so far I'm enjoying myself. Actually I've only been here 2 hours, but for the time that I've been here, it's been good.
And I expect great things from Charlottesville tomorrow. :)
The tour hasn't started yet. Maybe the boys will be in town.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
(Which, incidentally, is the name of one of their songs. :)
Updates soon, and probably pictures.

2006-04-27T17:40:00.000-04:00

MY DUCKIES!!!! I got to just paint for a lot of the day at work. It was wonderful. :)

2006-04-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

We have no clean silverware. At all.

2006-04-26T22:35:00.000-04:00

Aaron's idea of doing the dishes...

2006-04-26T19:39:00.000-04:00

Coolest person ever!

8 years old?

2006-04-26T14:40:00.000-04:00

So. I'm sitting here at work. I could actually be working. But i'm not. I'm taking goofy pictures of myself and gabbing with the boss. She's kinda cool like that. I can't seem to get online from the house again. I pretty much can't complain about my stolen wifi not working. It's free.
...
And stolen.
I get very tired of my 13 hour Tuesdays but I plan to work that all out very soon. I just don't want to give up the acupuncture job. It doesn't pay much (or anything really, considering gas prices...) but It's quiet and relaxing and it smells nice. And the benefits are good.
That is, I get free acupuncture.
I'm holding onto it as long as I can. :)

Stolen from Kate

2006-04-20T16:15:00.000-04:00

From Playboy Magazine: "There is something about Rhode Island girls that makes them unique from any other girls. Maybe its the way they dress, or how well they drink their beers or maybe its the way they think about how quickly they can get to the beach when they wake up in the morning. Perhaps its the way they've mastered keg stands in stiletos and a skirt or how no matter how dressed up they get on a Tuesday night they can still be underdressed. Although it could be the way they take over the beach and their town in their short skirts and sandals once it hits 65 degrees...no matter what it is there is nothing like a RI girl."
I'll admit, I've owned my share of stilettos, but I've never done a keg stand in them.
However, though I'm not fond of the swimming in it, the beach part totally applies to me. :) That's a So-RI girl thing. And for the record, there is nothing I like better than reading that someone thinks RI girls are unique. :)

2006-04-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

This dolphin was swimming up the Pawcatuck River today. It was miles from the ocean in brackish water and totally the talk of the town. I got my picture in the paper this morning looking at it. :)

2006-04-17T09:46:00.000-04:00

I love it when Cheryl-Cakes says "God, You're just absolutely gorgeous." She's so sincere. I get the feeling she might mean it.

2006-04-16T11:04:00.000-04:00

Guard ducks.

2006-04-16T10:59:00.000-04:00

I want one of these guys so bad!

2006-04-10T17:34:00.000-04:00

2006-04-09T22:11:00.001-04:00

2006-04-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

2006-03-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

2006-03-28T18:01:00.001-05:00

2006-03-28T18:01:00.000-05:00

2006-03-28T18:00:00.000-05:00

2006-03-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

2006-03-28T17:58:00.000-05:00

2006-03-18T14:18:00.000-05:00

2006-03-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

So. I worked 6-2 at T.Ho's, and 3-7 at acupuncture. Needless to say, it was a long day. Then I went to S&S and Wal-mart to pick up a few things I needed at the house. FINALLY, some time after 9, I dragged myself into the house to find EVERY single light on again. Aaron took a shower and left his nasty disgusting clothes on the bathroom floor (and if there is anyone who thinks this is a minor thing to get upset about, you obviously haven't smelled my brother lately.). The dog threw up 4 times -- twice on linoleum, once on carpet, once on the couch (Thank bob I closed the door to the Library this morning!).
BUT. I just got 2 more pillows for my bed. The grand total is 4, 2 queen-sized and 2 king-sized. Given the option, right now, I'd turn myself into one of those thousand-pound people that never leaves their bed. I just want to stay here forever. OK the thousand-pound part seems a little extreme, but I wouldn't mind being the weight I am now and never leaving my bed. :)
The common denominator among these options is MY BED. In case anyone missed it.

2006-02-25T23:18:00.000-05:00

So.
I love my room, but I find that I just want to stay in bed all day.
And all night. Forever.
Which is good, to a degree, because I don't spend any money when I'm in bed. But I also don't DO ANYTHING.
So today, I had to go help Kate move to the new office, which was unnecessary, because she had about 8 people and I was completely unneeded. So I only hung out for an hour and a half or so, and then I came back home. I'm pretty tidy, so the house wasn't really a mess when I got here, per se, but I attacked everything and now it's much cleaner than it even was before. I cleaned EVERYTHING. I washed my bed clothes, cleaned the dog yard and the cat box, swept the WHOLE floor, cleaned counters, stove, sinks, washed the dishes three friggin times. Then I attacked the shelves in my corner where my bed is. They're almost completely empty now.
This is the coolest room that I've ever had, mostly just because I've been able to do with it exactly what I want to. So now it looks exactly the way I saw it in my head.
And it's CLEAN. Which my room at home never could be. It just wasn't really an option. There are 200 years of dust on parts of that house.
Lady (the dog) kept staring at me all day. She followed me around and ogled me with her giant bug eyes. I know she was waiting for me to forget to shut the door to the library when I left so she could climb up on my bed. Or maybe she thought I would throw her a biscuit, or even just pet her. I don't care. I'm totally an animal person, but this dog is THE MOST IRRITATING DOG ever. She is pushy and needy, and she smells SO BAD. She also tries to get me back when she gets mad at me. I put a chair across the couch so that she can't sleep on it, and once she pushed it off, and another time, she climbed behind it.
I try, but I can't stand her.
The cat is growing on me. He is VERY NEEDY. He always wants to be pet, which is new for him, because he was a very aloof cat a year ago. Now he yells at me or sits behind me on the couch and slaps me in the face with his tail if I'm not petting him and I could be.
But now, mostly he just sits on the ottoman or in the bathtub (I don't know why. He's weird.).
I'm definitely an animal person, but these animals would drive anyone crazy.

2006-02-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

This is how i paint walls. The photo doesn't do it justice really. All I did was slop paint on the walls and smoosh it around. After 5 minutes, I was rocking out to my mp3 player and dancing with the brushes and the wall. And it's a good thing I was able to have fun with it, because she made me do the whole room twice.
Good times.

2006-02-19T21:03:00.000-05:00

I had pictured what it was like to have my bed where I wanted it.
It was very much like this.
I bought myself an amazing futon. It took hours to put it together.
OK maybe one hour, but I was VERY impressed with Face and I. With only minor confusion, and having it fall apart only ONCE, we managed to make the bed.
And I got new sheets and a comfortor, and I brought over my giant feather bed and a crazy mattress pad.
Now my bed is the kind of bed that is firm enough that my hips feel good (old horseback riding accident) but SO INCREDIBLY SOFT that you sink in and disappear.
Obviously I'm exaggerating, but you get the general gist. It's VERY cold in here.
But I don't care.
Because I have a monster jumbo incredible down comfortor.
And I'm very happy right now.
You can find me in the Library. :)

2006-02-18T00:43:00.000-05:00

Face came over again tonight. Which made me happy, because I'm perpetually afraid I will have to sit in the dark by myself.
Instead, we went to the market and bought LOTS of stupid stuff that we definitely didn't need (Note to self: Do not go grocery shopping when you are HUNGRY. Bad idea.).
We got back to the house and made ourselves a lovely little dinner of some lasagna-like substance -- freaking awesome -- and tater tots. We also got strawberries and a pineapple for a chocolate fondue, but we stuffed ourselves so much on the real food that we just never got around to the chocolate.
We set ourselves up for a little dinner party in the library complete with candle light, and had our dinner in upholstered chairs with cream soda in pink plastic champagne flutes.
It was amazing.
My new favorite movie of the moment is Elizabethtown, which I bought as a last minute, completely unnecessary purchase, and which we watched with dinner. I nearly cried about 7 times but caught myself. He's such a pitiful character in so many ways, but he has so much that I want.
And then there is the love interest, Claire. At the end, she gave Drew a "map" which was really a binder full of notes and CD's and things to do and people to meet on the longest solo road trip of his life. And Face said "Just like you."
And then we discovered that aside from the superskinny, superblondeness of Kirstin Dunst, she was me. She's creative and intuitive and a bit crazy. She makes the best 44 hour map of everything and everywhere she knows he needs to see, and she takes control in moments of crisis.
I would rather be her than Julianne Moore's character that was the last person we thought was me in a movie. The problem with her is that she was more of a control freak than even I am. Or maybe, just more than I am now.
I think the best part of the movie, and defintely the part that made me cry more than any others, is when he started scattering the ashes. Because he was visiting these really incredible places, like where Martin Luther King was shot and the Mississippi river and he started scattering his ashes because he felt like his father would have wanted it.
But really it was the fact that he had always put off taking this road trip with his father, so this was the chance they had to bond. Even though one of them was dead. And that made it meaningful.
Anyway, my point is that I liked the movie.
And I liked the dinner, and I like that pretty soon, I will have a bed, especially now that I have 2 nice pillows to put on it.
I have NO idea how I'm going to sqeeze in everything I need to get done this weekend.
Bed shopping, jaking, dinner party, finish data entry, paint the new office, game day, etc.
I will be a happy girl when Kate is safely moved into her new office, even if she is giving me a ton of money to make it happen right now.
The stress is almost too much for me.
Almost. Not quite.

Weird conversations.

2006-02-14T08:09:00.000-05:00

Joe and I sure have some crazy talks.
He called me at about 11:45 last night, just to tell me about this new girl he's seeing (sorta) and how his day was. We talked for almost an hour about things like how you know if someone is flirting (I SWEAR Joe is a girl sometimes), and exactly what it feels like to get hit in the balls.
Which apparently, as he describes it is "nauseous, but not in the pukey sense. Like you feel when you get the wind knocked out of you, but without the wind part." Which doesn't clear that up at ALL for me. And then he asked what really bad cramps felt like and I said it was super bad internal achiness. Not throbbing or stabbing or stinging, but constant and unbearable.
In the end, we decided that they were probably very similar feelings of badness, but we really would never know for sure.
We also talked about why we prefer milk chocolate over white chocolate and why Valentine's day sucks.
My life is pretty darn good at the moment. Aaron left yesterday morning, to spend a week in Mass. for work. So even though Carissa and Donny are upstairs, the house is so much more quiet and bearable.
Face came over last night and we played loud music and laughed a lot and ate rice pilaf. We occupied our time (in true Face/Face style) by looking up cute baby animal pictures online and trying to outdo each other. I love laughing for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I love having a bright green room too. :)
I'm late for work already. I'm still painting at Kate the acupuncturist's new office and I keep saying I'll be there for 8 but I just can't bring myself to do it. Today I'm working at the new office painting till early afternoon, then 3-7 I'll be at the old office in reception, and also doing some data entry.
I don't have to sneak on the internet anymore though. :)

Ivan

2006-02-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

I used up a whole roll of b&w film on Ivan and the snow this morning. Ivan, of course, is the perfect color for b&w. He's that nice 18% grey that we had to use to compare light and dark, and he was made for modelling.
He goes where I tell him to go, and stands there and waits for my camera to click. And sometimes, he moves his head around slowly and opens and closes his eyes, or looks me right in the lens.

I swear he knows what he's doing sometimes.
We also convinced he's learning to spell, because we always spell out words like "car" and "go" and "squirrel" and he's starting to recognize them. Add that to his repetoire of opening doors, identifying toys by their names, understanding sign language, and having his own language in barking (and I literally do mean that. We always know what he wants by the way he barks.), he's damn near human!
There is no other dog quite like him.

2006-02-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

There was meant to be more with this post. But I can't remember now what I wanted to write. So it's just an interesting picture now. enjoy that.

2006-02-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

This is the funniest dog ever.

2006-02-05T10:41:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken when Hollie and I were trying to keep each other company from 400 miles apart. She was at work, I was in front of the TV (as usual.)
We were both bored.

2006-01-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

I've escaped Mystic River Acupuncture for the time being, and now I'm hanging out at the library. It's funny what I'll do to A.) force myself out of the house, and B.) pretend I'm actually leading a normal life.
I spent plenty of time online at MRA playing with email and whatnot, but when I finally got down to business I managed to input the remaining C's and ALL of the D's. Kate will think I worked really hard at it.
Fine by me.
More next time I encounter a computer...

2006-01-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

I have a new place to hang out.
It's definitely a strange choice, I'm already aware of this, but it's just so calming and relaxing, and it's only mine to use for another month or so. I'm working for my acupuncturist again, and I have a key to the office so that I can come in and work on the computer whenever I have some free time. And I find myself just coming here because I don't want to be at the house. There is plenty to do. I plug in the MP3 player and check email and lounge on the couch and read magazines, and stop stressing for a little while about everything I know is wrong in my life.
It's like novocaine. Except alternative medicine.
Seriously, I'm a basketcase lately. No way around that. I can't shut my brain off sometimes and I'm always paranoid, wondering if there is a double meaning to anything anyone says to me, wondering if I'm just pissing people off with my presence. I can't stop. There was a time when I was confident and self assured and knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be.
That time is OVER.
These days I can't even convince myself that the dog likes me. I need a life outside that house, but I don't have any money to go anywhere or do anything, and I can't build up the motivation most of the time. I also used to be comfortable in my own company, but then I spent too much time alone and now I can't stand sitting by myself. And I used to be happy to go out to bars and clubs with friends, but I spent so much time away from home and on the move. Now, I have a home base and a place that I can claim as mine, and I have a hard time leaving it. I mostly want people to come visit me, and just stay in. It's a lot to ask. Too much, I guess.
I've been listening to Dave on my MP3 player all morning. It's funny how these songs that I've heard a thousand times can still give me the shivers when I hear them again. Maybe this is a pathetic comment to make, but his words just make sense to me. Not much does these days. 41 gets me everytime, because it has a lot to do with Dave's insecurities, and being pulled ini all different directions. Sometimes, if I just make a really good playlist of all the stuff that is sure to put me on the right track, then I can just lose myself in the music, and for the time that it is playing, things make sense.
I'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not there yet, and if I don't keep going, I'll never arrive.
You know?
I can always rationalize my insecurities through DMB lyrics.

2006-01-27T17:44:00.000-05:00

Yeah.
So I wouldn't say being home is any easier than being on the road.
I've already gotten in an all-out battle with my brother over Joe. And made myself look like a fool and sniffled and sobbed and proven that I am, in fact, the most insecure member of my family. It literally took Joe repeating that no, he is NOT closer to Aaron than me to convince me that he was telling the truth and not just trying to shut me up.
These past few months have obviously done some damage. I don't think I really realized it until now. I'm CONSTANTLY seeking approval from someone, trying to keep everything in order, freaking myself out about the dumbest things, craving someone's attention.
I think I was always a little bit like this, but since I got home, I've noticed how much those months alone on the road and in hotels has changed me. You can't just undo all the stuff that has already been done. Those friggin crew leaders managed to put it in my head that I am NOT good at what I do. It screws with your self worth, when all you have to think about or aim for is the approval of someone you really don't know or like, for 12 hours out of each day. Doesn't that seem pathetic?
That's because it is. And what's more pathetic, I never felt like I achieved any of it, until the last couple days I was there, when Brad (my last CL) told me that I worked harder and complained less than many of the Canadians that he's worked with, and no matter what anyone tells me, I WAS one of them, a bona fide member of that team. It's over now. As of today, the last day of my contract. But for those last 3 days, it mattered to me.
And now, I have managers and district managers falling over themselves trying to convince me to stay in New England. I had to work 3 shifts in CT, and as management goes, I was a superstar (because no one else there had 6 weeks of TDL Training Centre training) so they want me, and I think, if they want to pay me, I might stick around for a while.
My ego needs the boost.

2006-01-16T19:47:00.000-05:00

I think i'm allergic to my grandmother's cat. So That's good news. It's either that, or i'm getting a really mild cold, which seems unlikely. But at least that would be more finite than this. Right now, i just feel gross with no end in sight. And the cat likes to climb up on my chest when I'm sleeping.
i'm getting up and going running in the morning. I SWEAR. I keep saying it, but i keep staying up till all hours. And this morning, we ran out of gas and the house was 52 degrees when i woke up. (The animals were pissed. They are very spoiled animals.) and it was 12 outside. Which definitely made me feel better. No i'm joking. Sarcasm. I feel 10 times worse today than i felt yesterday. Oddly, still not all that bad. Whatever. More soon.

Going home.

2006-01-11T02:08:00.000-05:00

Today I am going home. Finally.
It's been a rough week, and it took forever to get here. I actually am having trouble grasping that there is no finite number of days at home. I'm staying there. I have time to spend with people before I have to leave again. In this sense, there is a huge sense of relief. Of course, I have no real plans when I get there, no money, no job, nothing to look forward too.
Except being home, and with my friends and my family. And I think that will be enough for now.
We lost my grandma this week. I guess it was pretty quick. She has been so ill for so long, but she finally seemed better this past month. And then it was a rapid descent into a lot of bad things. Pretty much all her systems shut down at the same time: heart, lungs, liver, bladder and pancreas. There just wasn't much hope for her, so they made her comfortable, and she went peacefully, with my mother by her side. I can only imagine how hard it was for my mom.
But of course, I try not to.
Mom asked me if I'd like to rent Grandma's house, which I would, and said Joe and Aaron would also be there. But this returns us to the problem of me not having a job and thus no income.
I'm working on it though.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a house though?
I'd be very happy to stay there.
I'll be happier just to be home though.

2005-12-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

It is slushing. And i just drove under the appalachian trail. It's so foggy and dismal outside that I can hardly see the Berkshires. It is a miserable day to travel and I miss my cozy woodstove.

2005-12-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

On the road again. Visit me in Geneva, New York. 18 days.

2005-12-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

104 perfect pairs of beeswax candles.

Written when I had no internet access

2005-12-04T20:20:00.000-05:00

I spent another 2 hours at Dave’s Coffee today. It has been my hang out of choice recently, mostly because I can check my email there and distract myself. I would be far more content if I could get my own computer online there, but sadly, that just isn’t meant to be.
Joe and Melanie came over for dinner last night. I made the most kick-ass roasted chicken EVER, and risotto and asparagus, and then we ate chocolate chip cookies and told stories and laughed until late at night and it just felt good to be home. It feels like I haven’t been away for the past 3 (almost 4) months. I forgot about every single day spent in a cocoon in a hotel bed, miserably wondering what everyone at home was doing, scouring the blogs of everyone I know for some inkling that I was missing from their lives, and the void hadn’t been filled by someone else.
I think that’s what irks me the most: The idea that I can be replaced. I know I just can’t, etc, etc, and ideally I’d like to think that my vast charisma, personality, and wit would make me irreplaceable . But the fact is, that’s bull. I only serve so much purpose in my friends’ lives, and if I can’t be there to fulfill it, then someone has to be.
I will always be insecure about my friendships. It’s just not in my nature to take for granted that they will always be there. I’m not the kind of friend that does, so I don’t assume that my friends should. Therefore, if I don’t make myself available, then it’s only logical that they will move on. And even that is more logic than my friendships should truthfully deserve, because where is the logic in friendships like mine and Melanie’s?
We have known each other since the 3rd grade and lost and found each other SOOO many times during the course of our respective lives. But there has never been any doubt that even though she is married and well on her way to being grown up, she can just fall back into the routine of being friends with me. That’s who we are. We didn’t speak for YEARS, not because we couldn’t or didn’t want to, but because there were other, more pressing issues on the table, like her domestication and my career. (Ew. I don’t like that word! It’s not a “career.” It’s still just a job, until I say otherwise.)
Or me and Joe. We have known each other since we were 5 years old. We rode the bus to school together, and we weren’t always extremely close, even in the later years. From 4th through 8th grade, there were the Joe-less years, when he went to St. Michael’s and I was at Chariho. Then in 9th grade, when he came back, all of a sudden and out of nowhere, we were friends again. 10th grade, we were wrestling match buddies. 11th grade, we took drivers’ ed together. 12th grade we started hanging out at non-school events. When we started college, we pretty much clung to each other because we didn’t know anyone else. There were even times during the college years when we would go for months without really speaking, because there were other more important people in our lives at that time, but we were never NOT friends. At this point, I can’t (and don’t want to) picture what life is like without him in it. But someday, we will both move on and he will get married and have kids, and I will have a house and lots of cats and blue hair.
And I will call him and say “So how are the grandkids?”
And he will say “Just starting college! How are your 52 cats?”
And I will say “Driving me bonkers. I forgot that I hate cats.”
I constantly need to remind myself that you don’t need to speak to a person everyday to stay friends with them. It’s just that, when you spend as much time alone as I do, a day without speaking feels more like a week or a month. Being a country away, or even a few states, creates so much isolation if all you have to look at is hotel art, and all you have to interact with is a computer.

2005-12-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to west virginia.

2005-11-30T08:44:00.000-05:00

This may be the ugliest shoe I have ever seen. Mom and I are planning an elaborate day on the town today. Shopping for an outfit for her Christmas work dinner, taking care of some things for my grandmother, a little bit of Christmas shopping, and a lot of caffeine at the various coffee establishments of Westerly. I just can't seem to spend a single day without filling my veins with the stuff. Pictures to be posted soon.

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2005-11-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

I just don't even have the energy to recount what happened on my trip home last Tuesday/Wednesday. Suffice to say, it was the longest 24-hour period of travel that I have EVER spent.
There will be a more in-depth version of this story on my other blog, onlytomorrow.blogspot.com
It's all written, but I need to be able to get my own computer online for it, instead of borrowing the one at Dave's Coffee in Westerly. But I need my good friend Timmo to fix whatever I did that is making my poor little laptop have a seizure everytime I turn it on.
I'm just sitting in this cool little place, listening to Dave and wasting time. I've given in and bought a winter coat, and the day I finally did this, it was about 60 out. I could have put my coat on and put the top down on the jeep. I'm trying not to feel so much guilt for having spent the necessary $36 for my bargain-clearance-close out-priced winter jacket. But it's tough at the moment, considering the turn in the weather. Not that I'm asking for snow, (Oh god! Have I tempted fate just by talking about it??? I didn't mean it!) but I'd love a REASON to feel justified in spending money.
This is a new-found financial conscience. Sprung from this fantastic revelation that I'm PAYING my employer to work for them.
You heard right.
I don't want to talk about it. I just get mad again.
I ship out again in 4 more days. Heading for a little place I like to call Armpit, Ohio. Which is interesting, because I just got back from Armpit, Maine. Seems there are a lot of them out there. And they send me to all of them.
Are there Armpits in Canada? I know about the literal ones. I mean figuratively. Does anyone get sent to those tiny towns with 3 roads and 1 stoplight? Or is this phenomenon saved for just me?
I can't complain TOO much. I live in one of those towns, but the difference is, it's MY town. And when I'm in it, so are all the people that make it a desirable place for me to live. Thus the non-Armpit-iness.
Whatever. I ramble. Moving on.
I'm trekking up to Smithfield tonight to visit Tim. I reserved him for the evening a week or so ago, and now we have to find some interesting entertainment for the evening. We don't usually have much trouble though.
As soon as my computer is back in working order, there will be more to read, I promise.
:)

2005-11-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

Heading to the airport to go to Toronto now. This is going to be the longest day ever.

Stole this from Kate (Katie? She'll always be Katie to me...:)

2005-11-19T08:51:00.000-05:00

Full Name: Kally Hanifin
Single or Taken: Perma-single.
Sex: Female
Birthday: 3.13.80
Siblings: Aaron
Eye color: Brown
Shoe size: 8.5
Height: 5'7.5"
Innie or Outie: Innie.
What are you wearing right now: Yoga pants, a DMB t-shirt from the Charlottesville show, flowered undies. That's it. (I just got home from my third shift.)
Job: Operations Representative for Tim Hortons Corporate
Where do you live: In hotels.
Righty or lefty: Righty.
Can you make a dollar in change right now: Only in Canadian money.
Relationships
Who are your closest friends: Joe, Chery, Joanne, my mom, Face, my laptop
Do you have a BF or GF?: I think we've already covered this.
Best place to go for a date: The Zoo.
Favorites...
Favorite place to shop: Kenneth Cole outlet in CT.
Favorite kind of pants: Perfect jeans.
Color: All of them!
Number(s): 33
Boys Name: I like non-traditional names. It's the hippy in me. I haven't seen them yet. And I don't want kids, so it doesn't matter much. I always say that I will one day have 2 weimaraners: a girl named Marse, and a boy named Fennicks. But we'll see. That's the best you're gonna get.
Girls Name: See above. Blame my parents.
Animal: Horses. Duh. And my weimaraner, Ivan.
Sober Drink: Iced Coffee!
Alcoholic Drink: Disoronno sours.
Sport(s): I don't know. Wrestling? Probably.
Fast-Food Place: Subway? Maybe? I live on take out. I don't really have favorites. I hate them all.
Month: June.
Movie: Tough one... At the moment, Crash.
Juice: Tomato
Finger: Thumb. Unique among humans and primates.
Breakfast: Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon.
Favorite cartoon character: Sponge Bob Squarepants. But just because he's on tv right now. I don't really know many.
---------Have you ever----------------------------------------------------------
Given anyone a bath: One of the kids I babysat.
Smoked: No.
Bungee: I want to!!
Made yourself throw-up: I avoid it at all cost, actually.
Gone skinny dipping: SO MANY TIMES.
Eaten a dog: HOT dog, yes. Spikes Junkyard Dog rocks my world.
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Ew. No.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Yes.
Broken a bone: KNOCK ON WOOD. No.
Played truth or dare: WHILE SKINNY DIPPING. Beat that.
Been in a physical fight: Yes. I have an older brother. It's inevitable.
Been in a police car: HA! Yes. Long story. Ask me sometime. It's funny.
Been on a plane: Too many.
Come close to dying: I don't know... Probably?
Been in a sauna: We used to have one at my house! I loved it.
Been in a hot tub: LOVE them.
Swam in the ocean: Not since July of 1998.
Fallen asleep in school: Yes. Bio Lecture, EVERY time.
Ran away?: When I was little and pissed at my parents, I took off running towards the lake. My brother caught me, and ended up with bite marks all over his arms. I was a vicious kid with a temper. :)
Broken someone's heart: I doubt it.
Cried when someone died: Yes.
Cried in school: I'm sure.
Fell off your chair: I remember one time specifically. There was rum involved, and it was a rolling desk chair.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? My mom. When she was travelling and I wanted to know if she arrived safely.
Saved AIM conversations: Yes. Chery and I lived across the suite from each other, but would literally sit back to back with our doors open, write stories on IM and laugh hysterically at each other. We were dumb. But we kept the stories.
Saved e-mails: Sure.
Fallen for one of your best friends? Um. Once.
Made out with JUST a friend?: Maybe.
Used someone: Not that I remember.
Been cheated on?: Not that I know of.
---------What is...----------------------------------------------------------------
Your good luck charm: Don't have one.
Best song you ever heard: That changes a lot, but it's almost always a DMB song. Dancing Nancies, #41, DreamGirl, What You Are, etc.
Stupidest thing you have ever done: Worked so hard to get this job.
What's your room like: Right now? Boring. White. Cheesey hotel art. Hate it.
Last thing you said: "Good morning. Thank you." Handing in the car keys at the front desk of the hotel.
What is beside you: Bunky. My teddybear.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Pantene. Right now.
Best thing that has happened to you this year: Got a raise? I don't know...
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: Took this job.
-------------------------have i had..----------------------------------------
Chicken pox: I think so.
Sore Throat: Has anyone NOT had a sore throat?
Stitches: In my eye lid, when I was 1, and a dog bit it off. Nice, huh?
Broken nose: No.
-----------------------Do you...-------------------------------------------------Believe in love at first sight: I don't NOT believe in it. I just haven't witnessed it first hand.
Like picnics: I have my own picnic basket. LOVE it.
Like school: MISS SCHOOL.
What schools have you gone to: Hope Valley Elem, Chariho Middle, Chariho High, and RIC
Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000. dollars: Not for a billion. I have my limits.
Ok, maybe for a billion. NO! Not even for a billion! Joe would probably do it for a hundred, though.
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you: Dave Matthews. My mom. My papa. Joe. Melanie. Chery and Joanne. Everyone else that I love. I hope it's a big island.
Who was the last person that called you: Joe. 2 days ago. I live by the internet mostly. Grown accustomed to this, living mostly in another country and all.
Who was the last person you slow danced with: Sadly (kind of) I think it was Joe at Erica's wedding last February.
What makes you laugh the most?: hiccoughs.
What makes you smile?: Getting funny messages.
--------------------Who is the last person-----------------------------------
You Kissed?: Oh boy. I'm not sure I even remember. It's been a while.
You yelled at: probably a trainee.
Who broke your heart: Do we have to discuss this?
Who told you they loved you: My mom.
Is your loudest friend?: Probably Melanie.
--------------Do you/Are You:------------------------------------------------
Do you wear contacts or glasses: Both. Not at the same time.
Do you like yourself: In theory.
Do you get along with your family: Some of them.
Stolen anything: A necklace in Martha's Vineyard. Joe made me do it. And tons of stuff in college (christmas lights, fire hydrant, chairs, golf flags). Freshmen made me do it then. Or maybe I made them?
Obsessive? Often.
Compulsive? Sometimes.
Anorexic? I had some trouble in high school and college, but I wouldn't put that label on it.
Suicidal? Not exactly.
--------------Final questions--------------------------------------------------------What are you listening to right now?: TV.
What did you do yesterday: Worked. Slept. Took photos of the waterfall behind the hotel. Had a frappuccino. Worked.
Hated someone in your family: Loved/hated, yes.
Gotten any awards: Some.
What car do you wish to have: Honda S2000. Cabrio (only if they still made them), fast little things. Pimped out things that sound good.
Where do you want to get married: Do I want to get married?
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? my entire body. Leave my hair.
Good driver: Relatively.
Good Singer: I have my moments.
Have a lava lamp: No use for it at home. And I'm not packing it up in a suitcase every 3 weeks now. I guess I could have had one in college, but... ehh. Didn't bother.
How many remote controls are in your house: 0
Are you double jointed: It's a myth. No one is double jointed.
What do you dream about: oh boy. Aliens who are allergic to tomatoes, invading my town; ducklings that disappear when the lights turn on; purring squirrels; someone in a spangly blue dress giving my dog a bath; a basement room full of telescopes; big mechanical hands trying to pull my toes off for a toe museum; Giant wooden face sculptures that get mad at me for jumping on the hood of a car; Should I go on? It gets weirder.
Last time you showered: Last night before work.
Last time you took a bath: Last week. With bubbles.
Last movie you saw in the theaters: Um. maybe Bewitched? Who has time for movies?
Scary or happy movies: Happy. Or sad. Or funny. Whatever. NOT scary.
Chocolate or white: CHOCOLATE.
Root or Dr.Pepper: Rootbeer.
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Having never tried either, I'd have to go with my instincts and say Jell-o. Jell-o makes everything better.
Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate.
Skiing or Boarding: I always wanted to try Boarding.
fall or winter: Fall. Sweaters. Yay.
Silver or Gold: Silver.
Diamond or pearl: Pearl.
Sunset or Sunrise: SUNRISE. In the keys. On a bridge, watching pelicans fish.
Sprite or 7up: Neither.
Orange juice or apple juice: Orange.
Cats or dogs: Dogs.
Coffee or tea: Coffee in the morning. Tea at night.
Phone or in person: In person. Just because I'm alone all the time.
Are you Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Youngest of 2.
Indoor or outdoor: Indoor for coziness, outside for adventures.

2005-11-19T01:56:00.000-05:00

I love these cakes too. Maybe a little too much...

2005-11-18T23:37:00.000-05:00

The most beautiful sandwich I've ever seen. I haven't eaten since 3 o'clock this morning and now It's 11:30 at night.

HELLO LOYAL FOLLOWERS!

2005-11-17T07:27:00.000-05:00

Who knew I was so popular!
I've actually got complaints that I haven't been writing enough.
I LOVE IT!
:)
I wasn't actually sure anyone even read them. Fantastic!
I'll be using some choice words on what I think of Tim Horton's compared to Bess Eaton on my other blog, if anyone is interested. :) onlytomorrow.blogspot.com
I would also like to draw everyone's attention of Bonnie's homage to randomness (to which I have started contributing) oglemy.blogspot.com

All I've been doing is working and sleeping. I don't do anything else. Ever.
And the more I sleep in a day, the more I NEED to sleep in a day. I even bought a puzzle and a book and a crossword puzzle book, JUST in case I feel like doing something else. But no, all I want to do is sleep or watch TV.
And occasionally eat, but not all that often really, unless the food is RIGHT there in front of me, in which case, I can't get enough. Especially breakfast sandwich eggs. They are the best EVER. Unfortunately. I am seriously going to have to cut back and start actually working out if I'm EVER going to fit into that Maid Of Honor dress for my cousin's wedding.
Oy.
Oh great. Do you hear this? George W. has now decided that he wants to start a war with North Korea. That's exactly what we need. Marvelous. Good going, George! Obviously you know what you're doing... Moron.
Sorry. Bit of a tangent there. This is what I get for watching TV and writing at the same time.
Anyway, I think it's about time I start my 12 hours of sleep. I PROMISE TO WRITE MORE OFTEN.
OK? :)

2005-11-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

2005-11-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

I collapsed into a blubbering heap of over-tired mush this morning.
What it comes down to is: Cara and I will never be friends. Our personalities just don't mesh. I have a much sillier sense of humor, and she looks at me like...
It's an effort in self control to deal with my ineptitude and it's no use to try to humor her with any attempt at light-heartedness.
Granted, when she approached me this morning, I was over-sensitive, having worked the majority of my shift already on little sleep. But I honestly thought I was doing well last night. The store was spotless. Everything was stocked, everything was refreshed. For the majority of the night, there was little to be done and too many of us to do it. So I spent a lot of time sitting down, because the point is to get them self-sufficient, and the sooner we make it there, the more fine-tuning we can do.
Garreth showed up at 3:45 am, which I thought was late, but his trainee was trained at the last opening here, so he's on the fine\-tuning stage, so he was allowed to be in for 4. He didn't see any problems with my work. Cara showed up, bee-lined in my direction and demanded why things weren't done. Within 5 minutes, she found 3 things I had done wrong.
I started ranting and spouting all over the place. I'm sorry, but it isn't possible that I do everything wrong. How can I possibly have made it through 7 weeks of training if I do? And her answer to this was that I was fresh out of the book and everyone else had already figured out the tricks.
I said I had been serving coffee since I was 14 years old, and managed a Tim Hortons for a year and a half. I've probably got 10 times the experience that she has with coffee, but I don't get any respect for that.
She said yes I did, I got the job.
I started this opening with the idea that everything was different. I am so tired of being the rookie and not knowing anything, and needing everyone to pick up my pieces. Especially since I do everything the way I've been taught, but apparently that is "from the book" and this is from real life. And apparently, I'm too defensive about these things, and I just need to take everything as constructive criticism, because we are all on the same team.
I feel like the member of the team she tries to ignore.
There is no convincing her that this job is harder because I have been away from home for 3 months now, and I miss my friends and family. She just kind of agreed with me to shut me up.
"Yeah, I'm sure it's hard. But you need to stop taking everything so personally."
I don't think she believes the 2 are connected.
So all of this happened in front of my trainees, and one of them is the most annoying person in Maine (which is a state with a lot of really annoying people in it.). He's the baker and took it upon himself to try to raise my spirits by giving me advice.
Trainees are not allowed to do that. Officially. I'm making that rule. He pisses me off on a good day, but today, I wanted to stuff his head in the convection oven.
What sucks the most is knowing that I have made friends in Ops, but I will never work with them. It is a very US/THEM situation. I have no idea who they are talking about when they tell their stories about past openings. They have no idea who I'm talking about when I tell them stories about the Ramada or my training. I hate that I'm going to be restricted to just these people.
I'm more and more ready to go home.

2005-11-08T10:03:00.000-05:00

Who ya gonna call? KALLY BUSTER!

Getting ready...

This thing hooks on like a really big garter belt. I needed some help with it. I was cracking up through the whole thing. They were getting a little nervous around me, because I was laughing kind of demonically...

This suit requires a team effort. Pretty soon, you'll see why...

This took so long...

I'm inside that thing! That backpack was a fan, with a big vent hose, and I had a battery pack. I'm inflatable!

My helpers.

This photo looks kind of ... Interesting. But that's Jill, the store owner, and she is pulling my pant legs down and telling me I need to shave my legs.

Hugging Jillian. I just wanted to hug everyone. It was so funny, because only half of my arms could make it out through the sleeves and I could barely even touch my fingers in front of me.
I hugged so many people today. :)

This photo is Chery's proof photo. I told her I was doing this today, and asked her what she wanted me to do, to prove that it's actually me inside it. She said "Under a tree" (I did the best I could) "2nd position, in ballet" (also the best I could do) left arm straight, right arm bent." This is what you get.

I'm pointint to "HOT!" Does that clear that up?

This might be my favorite. I don't know why. I just think it's so Disney-on-crack...

Not too sure what this was all about. But it's funny!

Me, Jill, and Karl, the 2 store owners. By this time, the battery was starting to die in the fan and I was deflating, so the big yellow label on the front, which is a screen that I look through, was starting to sink and I couldn't see anything. Every time they made me pose with people for normal photos, I was making HORRIBLE faces inside the cup.
There are lots of videos of me too, dancing and waddling and looking generally stupid. I had to be lead around, and every time I had to go through a door, either they had to open both doors, or I had to suck it in, meaning squeeze both sides together.
I had so much fun.

2005-11-06T22:29:00.000-05:00

I hate most when I finish a day of work, and check my phone and email to find NO calls and NO messages.
That's so depressing.
I was so excited at the thought of being back in the states, I totally forgot about the part where I'm not actually home.
This opening is already a lot better than the last one. I'm not an outcast. I haven't severely screwed up yet. (Big emphasis on the "yet.") No one has been admitted to the hospital, or collapsed on the floor and needed to be removed by an ambulance.
I have a king-sized bed.
I spoke to the DM here again. (This was actually his suggestion for me.) He has a 6 days worth of work for an ops rep in Maine and he wanted to know what I was doing after this opening. Of course, I don't know. I never know. But he would like to keep me here after the opening is finished and have me work in his stores.
He also said I could take a company car and drive home for Thanksgiving. Home Wednesday, back Friday.
How perfect. How stunningly perfect.
To be quite honest, what I would look forward to more than even Thanksgiving (believe it or not) is going to see RENT.
The commercial for it literally gives me shivers. It's that bittersweet excitement of revisiting something that I haven't really thought of in years. It was 8 years ago this month that I saw the play. 8 years ago that I cried because Adam Pascal ran away after the show, and Anthony Rapp had to reach over and wind up the camera because it didn't click when we tried to take the photo.
And Jesse L. Martin hugged me. And I cried all the way through the last act, and sang really loudly, and mooed my head off during Maureen's performance.
It's such a sad play really, but it's also so much fun.
So I would look forward to that.
And some of my Grandma's cooking, after 3 months of constant takeout...

2005-11-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

This is officially my new favorite Bob Dylan song, a spot recently vacated by All Along the Watchtower, as soon as I realized how blatantly religious that one was. Not that that's a bad thing I guess, and even the song is still amazing, but...
I don't know. I've heard it so much, and I love the Dave Matthews Band version and the Howie Day version, but I just can't embrace the Dylan or Hendrix versions. I guess I'm not that much of a purist.
But this song... Even when he hears old recordings of himself singing this song, Dylan doesn't remember writing it, can't believe it came from him. I haven't figured it all out yet.
But it's amazing. I love it. And it's even more amazing to hear it all flowing out of him, like when the song is done, there is less of him. It goes so fast, and is so complex. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it. I've been looking for this song for weeks, since Melanie and Joe and my parents and I all sat in my living room and watched the documentary about him. I heard it then and loved the line "Those not busy being born are busy dying."

It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)
Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.

So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not fergit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only

More photos.

2005-10-30T17:52:00.000-05:00

Stinging Sarah. She was a butterfly. I made her costume. That is the floofiest, cutest skirt EVER.

This is Agnes, one of my bosses. I'm not sure if she's supposed to be Daisy Duke, or just a really slutty cowgirl. :)

Me and Luigi (Meghan)

SUMO! She was SOOO funny. Completely filled with balloons. Every once in a while, she would sit on one, and it would pop.

From my hike.

Art shot.

Black squirrels??? They are EVERYWHERE!

The sunlight was AMAZING.

The city of Hamilton.

Trees!

My inukshuk (??)
OK that's it. Pizza's here! Gotta go eat.

New Blog.

2005-10-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

So I'm starting a new blog.
Don't be alarmed. I'm not stopping this one or anything. I just need one to be able to show all my friends from here. And I talk about them too much in this one, soooo...
A new blog it is.
It's at www.onlytomorrow.blogspot.com

I had an unusual weekend. I went to a party at another ops' house. Apparently, ops are only friends with each other, so that was everyone at the party. A bunch from the department, plus the boss and the second in command.
Fabulous.
I was a bumblebee. I drank a bottle of rum. I only managed to NOT get sick by keeping one foot on the floor, one hand on the wall (same old tricks from college) and fixating alternately on a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey and a painting of Tim Horton.
There was much laughter at my expense. But whatever.
This morning, I was the first one up and the only one without a hangover. (I don't know how that happened, but I'm not complaining.) I woke up at 7:30 am, and wandered around the house looking for all the stuff I threw off of myself last night in my drunken stupor. People were sleeping on pretty much everything, so I went back downstairs and watched Bowling For Columbine and half of Gone In 60 Seconds before people started getting up.
I eventally left and tried to drive myself back to the Ramada, which is supposed to be about a 30 minute drive, but I didn't have good directions, so I turned off to get gas and a map and ended up in this amazing part of town. There was a path, so I pulled over, for some reason, and started hiking. I brought the camera and tooks TONS of pictures.
I found a heap of rocks on the path that looked like it had been partially knocked over. They have these things here. People will pull over on the highway and make them. They are called INUKSHUKS. Or something like that. They're Inuit symbols of lots of good things, like maybe, safe travels (? I'm guessing on that one. Gord tried to explain it to me when we were on the bus back from the retreat, but I don't remember most of it.) They are EVERYWHERE.
And there was one on the trail, but it was in rough shape, so I was putting it back together a little (because I love these things and I want to build one in the woods when I get home. A big one!) and this guy came whooshing by on his bike and thought I had made the whole thing, and said "Niiiice!"
I laughed.
Behind the inuk-thingy, buried in a heap of rocks was a book in a plastic bag. Which I thought was weird. You would have too.
It was the sort of book a Jehovah's Witness would give you. What a creepy way to try to deliver that stuff!
I finally made it up to the road for the shot of the whole city, and when I did, I smelled the dead animal smell. So I was picking my way down the road, trying to avoid it, and I saw what it was: a garbage bag FULL of animal (i hope!) insides.
It was disgusting.
All I could think of was that woman that was found in the trash bag. She was from Hartford, and someone killed her and put her in the bag and drove her all the way down to Rockville and dropped her. She was missing for maybe 2 months and a guy was out raking leaves in his yard, and there was the bag. It probably wasn't anything like that, that I saw, but the possibility exists, and it FREAKED me out. Understandably.
Then I got in my car and headed back to the Ramada.
And on the way back, I passed 2 cars pulled over on the highway together: the brother and sister whose party I went to last night.
When I pulled into the Ramada, a guy was standing outside, waiting for his family, and he just started asking me questions about my jeep. "Is it a bumpy vehicle to drive? How are they on gas? How's the heat with that top?" Etc, etc. Then he was like, "So, you've been staying here a while, huh? You work for Tim Hortons?"
Does EVERYONE in this country know about me?
So that was my day.
I leave for Maine on Saturday.
88 days till I can come home.

RANT

2005-10-26T00:03:00.000-04:00

I got a forward from a wonderful friend who probably thought the man who wrote it had some good points. At first, I did too, but then, the debate queen in me got the better of me, and the more I read, the more I got pissed off.
This is what the forward said:

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be
America if we continue to make the changes forced on
us by the people from other countries that came to
live in America because it is the Country of Choice
??????
Think about it .

All I have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings. It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.

This says it all!
This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he?
Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS,
NOT AMERICANS,
MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks
had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our
own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we
will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom,
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don't agree -- delete it!

AMEN
I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends (and enemies) it will also, sooner or later get back to the complainers, lets all try, please.

If I don't agree, I usually speak up. So these are the problems I have with this:

"I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas."

There is no rule that says you may not say Merry Christmas to your friends and family. By all means, spout the phrase as much as they can stand it without smacking you. The problem arises when people ASSUME that everyone wants to hear it. If you have a problem with someone NOT celebrating Christmas, forget about Hanukah and Kwanzaa and everything else. Just don't say anything. How about that? No one will be offended.

"I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture."

Since I have lived in non-American, neutral territory, I can say as a matter of fact that the rest of the world is pissed off at us for exactly this reason. America has NEVER worried whether or not they have offended someone. We do what we want, when we want. This is what gets us into trouble. In some cases, it is a good thing, but don't expect that there won't be backlash from it. I have been to a lot of places and I've seen anti-American riots in plenty of them. For example, Dublin and Paris were not fun places to be when Bush was visiting. What do you think the reason for this was?

"This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity."

A multicultural community IS our national identity. The population, with the exception of Native Americans, is ENTIRELY made up of immigrants. There is NO other nationality that is native to this country. Period. Therefore, if you are NOT Native American, you cannot claim that it is "more" your country than anyone else. Moreover, we are ALL American.
And somehow, living in this diverse cultural grab basket has made us smug. We all seem to feel a vast sense of entitlement for having lived in this country, and people start believing a few complete falsehoods.
1. English is the national language.
Utterly untrue. As a matter of fact, there is NO national language. When the Europeans came here, there were HUNDREDS of languages being spoken here by all of the different tribal nations. John Smith and the Puritans came from England, Cortez came from Spain, Columbus came from Italy. There is also the argument that the Vikings came first. Any one of these nationalities could have provided our national language. But they didn't, because Americans represent a cross section of the rest of the world. You know you wouldn't have it any other way.

2. America was founded on a basis of religion.
Totally incorrect. If you do the research, you will find that the Puritains left England in 1620 in search of freedom from religious oppression and persecution. But this is completely irrelevant. This was not when the country was founded. Nor was it founded by Columbus in 1492, when he stumbled onto these shores, or when John Smith landed in Jamestown in 1607. It wasn't even founded upon the Native American ideas of nature worship (although, in my opinion, we'd be better off if it had.).
America was founded in 1776 with the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
It states:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
In this paragraph, God is NEVER mentioned. The word "Creator" can be anyone's interpretation of the word. If you are willing to take on a major debate, I am well armed with reason why this word is NOT specifically refering to a Christian God. To interpret it in such a way is as silly as saying that the phrase "all men are created equal" does not refer to women.
And if that is the nature of your argument, we have a much bigger problem on our hands.

"As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
The word "lifestyle" is what bothers me in this sentence. As Americans, we don't have A lifestyle. One single, solitary lifestyle for the entire population of the most powerful country in the world? Is that a fair statement? Not remotely! As a country, it could be argued that we represent as many lifestyles as there are people. And why not? Define the word for me! And then tell me that an immigrant should attempt to fit him/herself into it. I guarantee they will have no trouble.

"It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

If there is clear documentation about the founders of our nation being Christians, then it should be just as clear that there are measures put in place to make this redundant. It's called Separation of Church and State.
We know what happens when the two are mixed: The Spanish Inquisition. The Crusades. The Salem Witch Trials. The Taliban.
Granted, these are extreme cases, but they are also not the only examples. There are hundreds. My own personal opinions aside, it is not a good idea for people whose ideals are corrupted by religious teachings to be using them to make the rules.
"Because God" or "the Bible said so" is never a good enough reason why a law should or should not be adopted.
Now, going forward with this concept, schools are PUBLICLY funded. Meaning my athiestic tax dollars are just as important as anyone else's. I would suggest that if you want the word "God" on the walls of your children's schools, you are perfectly within your rights to send them to a private school of a religious denomination.
Let Church and State remain independant of each other.

"We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from."
First of all, I would appreciate it if you would speak for yourself. I don't happen to share this opinion and clearly, you do not know the opinions of the entire country, otherwise my thoughts would definitely be more clearly represented, and for the record, you would NEVER have been elected to speak.
Second, if in fact, America trully doesn't care how things are done in the rest of the world, well, isn't that reprehensible?
Ever heard the saying "No man is an island"? It's from a great poem by John Donne:
No man is an island,
entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent,
a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less...
any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind...

There is more. But that should explain my point well enough. WE ARE NOT ALONE ON THIS PLANET. There is much to see and much to know. If a person would rather lead the most basic of lives, never venturing past the borders, or caring to see what the rest of the world had to offer...
Well, what a sad, pathetic, agorophobic vision of the world that would be.
I would have to pity that person.

January 27th.

2005-10-24T17:28:00.000-04:00

The countdown is officially on.
As of today, I have 96 days until I get to move back to RI permanently and be done with this place and this job.
I'm SOOO SICK of stupid stuff that keeps happening. I told the boss today that, regardless of whatever kind of offer I might receive at the end of my contract, I won't be returning for a second contract. She wasn't mad. She wasn't even surprised. I think the only thing that surprised her was how long I waited to tell her that I wasn't returning.
I found out today that they never stopped paying me from almost 3 MONTHS AGO when I left Richmond (as I told them to, about 3 weeks after I left and noticed I was still getting checks). I don't touch the account, but there are checks coming out every month that go to my car insurance and other bills. I barely even think about that account, except when I have to write checks and pay bills, and then I have to send checks home to my mom from HERE, have her deposit them in my account and transfer it from Canadian to American funds, and then write my own checks.
Well, this is lovely. It turns out I owe $3,552.75 to TDL because they never bother to stop sending me paychecks. And now their mistake is my responsibility. Of course, that money is no longer THERE. Because whatever money was there came out for bills or whatever.
Which is not to say that I believe the money should be mine, with no questions asked. Of course not. I didn't work for it. It doesn't belong to me. Which is why it should never have been applied to my account. I'm SOOOO MAD! I have to make up for their mistakes, even though I tried to get it taken care of MONTHS AGO.
And Gord is mad at me. He's been mad at me since I told him that I'm done in January. He was really pissed, and he didn't talk to me or even glance in my direction throughout our entire class today. He left before I even stood up, when it was over.
And Todd and Dan were ganging up on me today. It's not like I can't take being picked on once in a while, but not EVERYDAY
I realized who Todd reminds me of A LOT. You know Jesse James, the motorcycle guy that married Sandra Bullock? He's just like him. Not that cute though...
_________________________________________
Two of my friends just came in, we ordered a pizza with pepperoni, green olives, ham, bacon, pineapple and mushrooms. It was a HEAVY pizza.
And we played cards a little bit and they went to bed early because they are both working the 4am at different stores.
And I looked for something to amuse me for a little while.
I just doesn't get any easier to be away from home. I thought for a while it was passing homesickness, but seriously, now I think I'm just not meant to live far from my family and all my friends for very long.

Crash

2005-10-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm in the middle of watching an amazing movie. Crash.

Warning -- Don't read this if you don't want the movie pretty much spoiled. I'm not going to give away the plot, but I'm going to seriously analyze the characters.

It's really intense, and I can only watch it in increments. There is SO much going on in it, so many characters, and each of them is tragic in some way.
Mostly it's about how different races relate to each other in a place where either people have no contact whatsoever, or they are crashing into each other (either verbally or physically).
There are two black men (Ludacris and Larenz Tate) who are constantly at odds because one can find racist intent in the most innocent and sincere of people and places, and unfortunately, he is usually right. The other would rather believe that the world is on his side, though usually it isn't. He also likes country music and playing hockey (not usually considered very "black"). Together the two bicker and carjack unsuspecting white people. Of course, by doing this, they are perpetuating the very stereotypes that Ludacris is constantly preaching about, and that Larenz Tate doesn't believe exist.
There are the DA and his wife (Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock) who are the unfortunate victims of the carjackers. Brendan Fraser is kind of dumbly and arrogantly racist. Racist without the element of understanding or intent. He doesn't realize when he is being offensive, because for the most part, there isn't much difference to him between the races. At one point, when he was discussing how the carjacking would be portrayed in the media (or how he would be portrayed by saying he was carjacked by black men), he says, "WHY did they have to be black?" In his mind, anyone is as capable of the crime, but he isn't thinking about them in any respect but his own career. Sandra Bullock feels no shame in treating people according to their skin color and heritage. She judges based on appearance alone and assumes that there is no problem with this.
There is my favorite character: a hispanic locksmith with lots of tattoos and a shaved head. He is hired by Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock to change their locks after their car is stolen, and immediately it is assumed that he is in a gang and will bring a copy of their new key to his gangbanger friends and they will all rob the house.
He then goes home and tucks his daughter into bed and tries to live an honest life and treat people well. He is about the most sincere character I have encountered yet.
There are Matt Dillon and Ryan Phillippe -- Matt Dillon is a dirty cop who has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to black people. He holds a grudge for his father, who was the employer of a few black guys until affirmative action got them all better-paying jobs and he lost the business. But the father is a decent, honest man and doesn't care about the grudge so Matt Dillon takes his own revenge out on the street with all the people he pulls over. Ryan Phillippe is the rookie partner who naively thinks that Matt Dillon is the aberation and tries to find a safe place among everyone who creates the system he works in, and everyone who survives it by taking the abuse.
There is the black couple who constantly accuse each other of not knowing what it is to be black, because they have money and material possessions and didn't start on the bottom, and they are the victims of Matt Dillon's street justice.
There is a Persian family who own a store and it is their entire life. Clearly they have been robbed and been the victims of hate crimes many times, because the father's first scene is him buying a gun. Later, they talk about how people only hear the accent and think they are Arab or Iraqi (which are both completely different than Persian), and make assumptions, but they make their own assumptions about the Hispanic man who comes to fix their door.
And there is Don Cheadle who is a detective, and possibly the most tragic. He doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't, and he isn't naive in thinking that there are equal standards for everyone. He just can't escape most of the stereotypes -- that it pisses people off that he sleeps with a white woman, that his mom is a heroin junky, that there are dirty cops working in the same system as him. The tragedy of his character is that he no longer fights it, and the system rolls him over.
I have to go back and watch more... It's starting to get good.
___________________________________________________________
OK so I just finished the movie. I wish someone I knew had seen it too, because I would REALLY like to discuss it with someone. There is just SO much going on, but everything that happens is connected to something else and it's all about reactions and results and the relationships between things and people that seem completely random.
And I love stuff like that anyway.
But then you throw in the issue of race, and it is everywhere. And it is UGLY. But more than anything, it's true. The only difference between this movie and what happens in real life, is that you actually hear all of the thoughts. They say everything that's on their minds.
And sometimes their minds are changed. Small miracles and horrible accidents and everything changes.
There is one scene where the rich black man and Ludacris are in a car together (how they both got there is another story). Ludacris would consider himself to be the real black man in this situation, because his life is a struggle and the other guy is a TV producer and drives a nice car and what does he know about being black?
But they go through a "moment" together and the role reverses. They develop a respect for each other, and even though they don't even know each other's names and will never see each other again, the TV producer says "You shame me" to Ludacris. And it MEANS something. It changes him. And he does something with his life, and feels good about it.
The only characters that seem to stay completely static in this movie are Brendan Fraser and Don Cheadle's partner/love interest. They just float through and tell everyone to calm down.
I really liked this movie. I think everyone should go out and rent it.
Also, there is a music video. It's for a song called "If I..." which is honestly, not that great of a song. The only cool part about it is how bizarre of a combination of images they show in the video.
There are 3 guys in the band, one of them plays a mean guitar, one of them raps, and one sings (badly). They are all dressed like ghetto thugs (sorta) but with bandanas, goatees, piercings, cowboy hats, and what might be eyeliner. And one of them is wearing a Beatles shirt.
I don't really get it. But I love it when worlds collide!

2005-10-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

I feel like I haven't spoken to Joe in weeks.
Oh that's right. I haven't. I mean. I understand that he's a busy fella, and all, but I don't mind being wherever he needs me to be when he has a crisis. That's what friends do. I also realize that we are far apart, and this no cell phone thing is really not conducive to good communication between me and ANYONE. But it would be nice once in a while, if I could just talk to him...
I've gone through so much crap since I've been here:
Stupid training schedules -- Don't give me 3 consecutive days off. I will LITERALLY be bored to tears. I don't have any friends here.
Stupid money problems -- Not that I don't have any, that's not the problem at all. The problem is that I can't write checks to pay my bills, because my money is all in Canadian funds in a Canadian bank and I need to write a check, send it to my mom, have her deposit it, and go from there. SO DUMB.
Stupid dudes -- Don't get me started on Todd and Gord. Both in one room is a DANGEROUS thing. Gord says that Todd and I argue like an old married couple. Todd just picks on me and calls me a slacker, bumps into me so hard I almost fall in the glazer, instigates SO BADLY. Gord has lost interest in talking to me at all, because there is another girl around. That's fine. He's not all that interesting anymore. Obsessed with sky scrapers. What is that? Subliminal phallic imagery if I've ever seen any.
Stupid bosses -- They JUST DON'T GET IT. I know they understand that this is a tough job, but I don't think they get how much harder this is for me. I'm away from friends and family pretty much for the duration, whereas everyone else lives where they came from and then just ship out from there. The whole money problem. The fact that this STUPID HOTEL didn't send out my car payments for the past 2 months!! My background does not include what I have gone through here.
To make it worse, I guess the rumors were flying about me around the Centre. It's inevitable. It always happens. One person knows "something" or has heard a story, and it just gets bigger. Eventually, I live in a teepee, I'm amish, and I'm a communist.
Or something.
Michael took us out to dinner tonight and at the end, I guess my "lifestyle" came up in conversation, and he said, "So I want to hear about the teepee you live in."
Of course, Gord and Erika have heard the stories and seen the photos, so they helped, mostly by pretending it's no big deal to them.
I've gone through this so many times that I know how to deal with it now. I stood up and said "I'm not starting at the beginning. Ask the questions, we'll go from there."
Hands were raised. Questions were answered.
I taught the class.
They are all googling my name as we speak...
I don't know how the word got out anyway. I only told Erika and Gord. But I did make a comment about the teepees being put up wrong at Onandaga Farms. Michael said that (This get's confusing): Some franchisees heard Gord talking (?? Probably making fun of me.) and then I talked to the training manager at the farms about the teepees, so the three of them conferenced, and then the training manager went to see Michael and talked to him about me, and he went back and discussed with everyone he could find (he does that.) So now the news is out, but since I wasn't the one spreading the word at the Centre, now I'm sure it's going to be all the wrong information.
Whatever. I don't care what people think of me.
Four of us went out to dinner last night and I found THREE tattoo parlors! And I got excited about each of them. So the 2 girls who don't really know me couldn't figure it out. Thought maybe I'm just one of those girls always talking about getting a tattoo, but never actually having the guts. Lots of eye-rolling going on in the Jeep.
So Erika said "Oh yeah, she has 6 of them."
THAT changes things. I love that nobody expects it.
That should teach you not to expect anything based on my appearance!
DUH!
I'm always going to let you THINK that I'm normal. But. I'm never going to BE normal.
It's all part of my charm.
So I'm going back to Maine.
They told me this today. Fantastic. Another 18 days of NOTHING AT ALL TO DO. Only this time, I'm on the night shift. Whatever. That just means I don't have to work with other trainers for about 4 or 5 hours a night. Looking forward to that.
And then hopefully, I'm going to fly out to Arizona for a few days to visit my girls.
Homesickness is setting in again, hardcore.
I need to have a nice little meeting with Michael and tell him how I don't think I'll be returning after January 27th. Just too much hassle to work out of the country, as is proved by my paycheck fiasco.
OK I don't know how this happened, but it's 12:45 am and since I've been up since 3am. So I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm sure I'll have more to say this weekend. Nothing better to do...

2005-10-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

Went to Toronto yesterday.
Arrived at my hotel at 12:36am when we got back.
Had to work at 4am.
No energy to think of something interesting to write.
Photos will have to do.
Tallest freestanding man made structure: CN Tower. Went to the top of course. I love heights.

Lake Ontario. Doesn't it look like the ocean? Big lake.

The glass floor. Standing on 3 inches of glass above 1100 feet of air.

LAYING across 3 inches of glass, etc, etc...

Photo from the highest observation deck in the world. 1400 feet above the ground.

I love this photo.

On the town.

That blue domey thing in the back is huge. I don't know what it is though.

OK that's it.
I'm going back to bed.

2005-10-16T17:34:00.000-04:00

Didn't I say I was done with this? I'm not doing it any more!
There is a reason why I don't date. A big one! I can't commit to a hair color! How can I possibly believe that there is someone out there who would be willing to wait out all of my insecurities? Besides that, I don't like the idea of answering to someone about all of my major decisions. I'm far too independant and every major choice I've made in the past 2 years has either been expensive or forced me to pick up and leave. In fact, for Europe, it was both!
Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. Maybe I'm not the only person that thinks this way.
I don't know how anyone with this job maintains a relationship. I'm finding it hard to keep in touch with my family and friends, let alone someone I should call daily. As soon as I pay my parents back for helping me buy a car, that will be the end of my financial dependance. And it shouldn't be too far away either.
I'm still dependant on my friends to a degree. I need to know that they are still there somewhere, waiting for me to get back. Even if they are in Arizona. They haven't lost track of me or vice versa. It still matters to them that they know me.
I don't want to be dependant on a guy for that. I'm far to individual and insecure to have to wonder if my ideosyncracies are just too much for him. In my mind, they will always be too much, and also, not enough. I don't want to be the kind of girl that changes myself for the sake of a relationship. If I'm not good enough just like this, then I'm not good enough. Get over it.
And of course, that's easier said than done. Because this is a pretty lonely place, and I'm a very homesick girl. And if a nice guy is kind to me when I'm in a bad spot, then I just might try to become what he wants.
I hate it. But I can't deny that I could do it.
What it comes down to is this:
I'm not looking any farther than what is right in front of me, in flashing neon lights. I'm not trying any harder or thinking any deeper.
What I see is what I get. And I'll be perfectly content if I get nothing.

2005-10-15T20:31:00.000-04:00

It's official.
I can't escape the mindset that the next guy I meet might be the right guy, and so I put too much emphasis on things and think too much. It's what I do.
This guy, Gord, is such a nice, fun, interesting, smart guy that all of a sudden, I find that I COULD be physically attracted to him.
I'm not, necessarily. The switch hasn't been turned on. But this is a guy who, by age 28, has gotten his masters degree in urban development and owned his own real estate company selling "green" homes, AKA environmentally friendly homes. He got completely bored with it, because he never saw anything for his efforts. Each goal was months in the making, and milestones were few and far between for tons of effort. So he sold the company and travelled across the US and Canada before deciding what he wanted to do. And here he is.
He's FASCINATED with my house, just on principle. Most people are interested, but he has environmental ideas behind it that I hadn't even thought of.
He hates kids.
He loves heights.
Are we seeing any correlation here? Today, we had another camp day to learn about the T.H. Children's Foundation. We all met at the Centre and got on the bus. 22 of us this time on a bus that sits more than 50. So we all could easily sit by ourselves in each row. But he sat for about 10 seconds and said "I hate sitting by myself. Can I sit with you?" And then every time we got on the bus after that, (and probably every time from now on,) we sat together.
I think the whole group was a little unnerved by me, or at least shocked at me. Nothing new, I know. But today we were at the camp that is a working farm with tons of farm animals, including horses and you know what happens when Kally and horses get together.
True love.
But these horses were ENORMOUS. They were work horses, big black percherons named Pete and Chief, and they were probably the largest, strongest, prettiest beasts I've ever seen. I loved them.
And I climbed right over the fence to see them in the field.
OK, common sense tells us that if these horses weren't gentle, they would not be in contact with 9-12 year old troubled youths. They were sweet and slow moving and gentle and nice, and I was hugging them and kissing their noses and walking around and under their necks and standing between them, which is not at all difficult, if you enjoy horses like I do.
But these are mostly city people, and there were a lot of gasps, and a lot of people were taking pictures of me, and I managed to get one other person, a guy named Rob to come in the field. But every time the horses moved, he would jump back and shriek a little.
They also had teepees at this camp (put up entirely wrong, I might add.) and someone asked a question about them that the tour guide couldn't answer, but I could. So that was funny.
Then we played a heated game of 20 questions on the ride back to the training centre. Always amusing. And then we decided that Gord couldn't just get back in the car and drive to Toronto because it's kind of nice having a social life. So we went to a fish store and visited with some sharks and mexican look-down fish. Then we went to a backpacking/outdoors/hiking supply store and admired all the kayaks. And then we found some friends and went out to dinner.
I had a slight allergic reaction to something in my meal. The guys were a little nervous for a while, because I wasn't looking so happy, but I knew it was minor and I didn't want to stop the party, so I dealt with it. I haven't completely recovered from it. My whole mouth swelled up a bit, and now it feels like I burned my whole mouth and throat on really hot coffee, but my airway didn't close, so I think I'm ok. We were at a restaurant that serves a lot of shellfish dishes and I think it was just a matter of cross contamination. I usually don't have reactions unless I actually eat the shrimp or whatever. It's kind of sucky that I'm getting so sensitive that I don't even have to eat it to have the reaction.
That's not the point of this post.
The point is that I've never met a guy that I could see myself with, without him being physically perfect. Gord has decided that he seriously wants me to take him to RI. I believe him. He's been EVERYWHERE. He loves travelling.
I don't know what I'm talking about. Blah.
I also found out that I have a 4 am bake with Gord and possibly the STUPID TRAINER. That should be interesting. I will be mocked at every opportunity.

P.S.

2005-10-14T16:52:00.000-04:00

This is my boot.

2005-10-14T15:00:00.000-04:00

Retreat was dumb.
We did lots of stupid "leadership-building" games. Lots of teamwork activities. Plenty of unnecessary things.
There was apple-bobbing.
Friggin apple-bobbing.
I'm also not competitive enough at sports stuff to really care whether we won or lost. I didn't care. So I did what I could with the activities and stared off into oblivion the rest of the time.
I did manage to meet some cool people, all new ones, like me. Most of the time I interacted with the existing team members, they made me feel unnecessary and like a complete rookie. Which I am. But I don't need reminding. I also have more experience actually working in stores than some of the ops reps that have been working for a year. Screw them.
One of the people I met was a guy named Gord. He's really average-looking. Not particularly tall or muscular, but he's interesting, easy to talk to, nice, makes fun of me a lot.
He came over and talked to me when I was sitting bored and lonely in the lodge the first night we were away. We played pool and shuffleboard all night. But shuffleboard is really boring, so we just set up the little stones and smashed them around a lot.
And by the way, I have the potential to ROCK at pool. I was ON. A little bit. Then, last night, a few of us just sat around and talked about whether or not we are sure we like the job. Jury's still out for all of us.
Today, we sat together on the 2-hour ride home and talked about EVERYTHING. Every single thing. It was nice.
I'm not saying I'm "interested." I'm not playing that game again. I don't know anything about him. He could be married with children (though I doubt it, because he hates kids). I know he has been to 38 states and driven across Canada 7 times. Meaning he's got a better record than me, as the states go. He's 28 years old and has an older brother and 2 older half sisters. And then maybe some political views and what he's done for a living.
I taught him how to say the name of the state fish of Hawaii. (For anyone who doesn't know it's Humu humu nuku nuku apu a a. It's a mouthful.)
I am going to see him tomorrow. We're both scheduled to go to another camp retreat, but it's just a one day thing, to tour the Children's Foundation.
I think he could potentially be a really good friend. And I don't have too many of those up here, so I kind of like it.
This is me, Gord, and Erica. All of us are brand new. I'm the only one who's gone on an opening so far.

2005-10-11T21:11:00.000-04:00

I friggin HATE HIM!!!!!
Don't waste your breath asking what's wrong. I'm homesick. I'm ALWAYS going to be homesick. You can stop wondering.
Don't say "punk," or "butthead," or try to trip me whenever I walk by.
Don't call me "honey," or "sweetheart," or "little girl." I have never been called "little girl" for good reason. There is nothing LITTLE about me. Even my hair is large and in charge. I'm especially larger than someone we BOTH KNOW. Well, taller, anyway.

I'm back at the centre for ONE STUPID DAY. Walking around calibrating machines for my equipment training, and he was baking. First he ignored me for an hour. Then he started in with "What's wrong? Are you ok, little girl? Are you sure? Do you need to talk?"
And then he acted like a 12-year-old and muttered names under his breath whenever I walked by, and/or tried to trip me.
And he warned everyone who would listen about me, and not to tempt me because I might bust out in a silly walk or start singing or having fun or something.

He touched my ass once, and I could complain about that, but I'm pretty sure it was accidental.
We were doing our review in the breakroom, and he walked by 3 or 4 times and stared at me everytime. And then the fiancee showed up, and he made her come and say hello to me. I heard them.
Him "Did you see? Kally's here! Did you say hi?"
Her "Yes, I waved. Let's go."

Mostly I just want to complain about him.
I'm just mad that I have to be back here. Not so much because of him, just in general. I want to be at home. The more time I spend here, the less I like it.

When he asked me what was wrong, I said "Just blame the damn Canadian Thanksgiving."
He asked why. I said because it's not my holiday, and I was bored out of my skull.
He said I should have come over and had dinner with him.

Nice. That sounds like a great idea. Bastard.

2005-10-10T20:18:00.000-04:00

I formally apologize for what is to follow. I'm honestly THAT bored. I haven't left my hotel room other than to go to the gas station next door and buy some haagen dazs and bottled water. Cabin fever. A little early. Blame Thanksgiving.

And just for the sake of looking like the devil:

I need to venture out and see if Wal-Mart is open. JUST BECAUSE. I think the walls are getting closer to me.
I've watched the same show on muchmusic twice now.
I watched Breakfast At Tiffany's, which I love, but I always feel bad for the cat in the end.
I NEED TO GET OUT.

2005-10-10T16:21:00.000-04:00

My hair is not red anymore.
It's a dark coffee brown again. Let's see how long it lasts this time.
Someday I'm going to stop dying my hair. Not soon though.
I'm in love with Heath Ledger. I bought 10 Things I Hate About You yesterday. He is a beautiful, beautiful man. I also bought Breakfast At Tiffany's, which I plan to watch a little later. I haven't done any laundry yet, but, you know, one thing at a time. I don't have my equipment shift until 2pm tomorrow (WHICH TOTALLY SUCKS!) so I have a lot of hours to fill until then. I also have to confirm that, yes, I am in fact checking out of my hotel room Wednesday morning before I go to the Operations convention, or whatever they're calling it, in Parry Sound. I've got the WHOLE cosume set. And there will be MANY photos available, I'm sure. I plan to bring both cameras, the little digi and the big Nikon. I just have to go to Wal-Mart tomorrow sometime and pick up some more film.
God I'm bored.
You have to be bored to need to stretch out your free time the way I am. I'm scheduling my showers and when I'll watch my movies.
Pathetic.
I know.

2005-10-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

I have SO much hair.

Sorry. This is Elisha's influence on me. I'm bored and there is literally NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
So I got out the camera for a minute. I can't even believe how much hair I have. I have a LOT of hair. It looks bigger today than it has in a while. I curled it for about an hour this morning.
I think my hair is my best (only ideal) feature, so I have as much fun with it as possible.
:)
It's also very entertaining when I'm bored.

Hanging around.

2005-10-08T23:32:00.000-04:00

I hate being bored.
It doesn't happen too often. I can usually find some way to amuse myself. When I had 18 hour travel days in Europe, I never got this bored. I think the problem now is boredom + home-sickness + lots of loneliness.
Deadly combination.
I've decided I'm done with this job after January 27th, when my contract is up.
::Pause.
What's this? Napoleon Dynomite is hosting SNL? WEIRD!
And why is his hair big, girly and wig-like?
>>Play
What was I saying?
Right. January 27th. Done.
I haven't told the bosses yet, though.
I know how it works with this company. People end up staying for 15 or 20 years and if they work their way through the ranks, they buy stores and become franchisees, and make money off of it when they retire.
This is not what I want.
I'm not content with this job, and I don't want to stay here just because the money is so good. I don't want to fear risk. I don't want to hide behind someone else's name forever.
The good thing about this whole experience, though, is that I found out that Tim Hortons stores in Canada are not nearly as perfect as the Canadians wanted us to think. They are beat up and dirty and generally have very average customer service. Fortunately, average for Tim Hortons is still pretty good.
It just made me feel better. They were all boasting about the perfection of Tim Hortons for so long, it felt good to know they weren't.
We all know how much I hate perfection...

2005-10-08T19:02:00.000-04:00

This one's for you, Chers. :)
Miss you guys!

What the hell...?

2005-10-08T18:36:00.000-04:00

I don't know what was going on next door at 7am this morning, but it sounded like someone had locked themselves into/out of room 219 and they were trying to get back in.
There was clicking on something (maybe the card slot?) and there was banging. And they called the room about 8 times, but no one answered. I briefly thought (mostly because I wasn't entirely awake) that maybe the people inside had died with the door shut, and now they were trying to get them out. But I quickly abandoned that idea, when they FINALLY got the door open and there were no shrieks of horror. Either they were NOT dead (I wouldn't have been TOO surprised though, cause they were loud, drunk, and obnoxious last time I heard them 3 days ago), or the housekeeping staff here is WAY too desensitized to that sort of thing.
Where did that come from?
I don't know.
I have two days off.
Which would be nice if I were at home. But here, I'll just sit in my hotel room. And wait until I go back to work. I'll either spend a LOT of money and eat WAY too much. Or I'll sleep through the whole thing, and won't eat anything.
And I guess it's Thanksgiving here on Monday. So everyone here feels bad for me, because I'm here and not home with my family. But I keep telling them, it's not a holiday for me.
Feel bad for me at the end of November.
I've set some goals for myself again. But they have to be accomplished tonight or tomorrow from 12p-6pm. Because everything is closed on Monday. See afore-mentioned Thanksgiving holiday.
I need to buy my belt and mondo "K" belt buckle. I need to find some cowboy boots.
I need to stock up on edible things to prepare for monday. I need to get a little money out of the bank.
Who vaccuums at 7pm? What hotel hasn't finished the daily chores by 7pm?
Silly question. The same hotel that attempts to bust into a room at 7am when everyone in the rooms surrounding that room are sleeping.
What was I thinking? I should know better.
Gave myself a mani-pedi last night. All my nails are glistening. It's fabulous. No one at work was as excited about it as I am. But, I mostly worked with Kevin, who is a VERY sarcastic Indian guy. He's hilarious. Loves pick-up lines. I gave him a new one today: Just call me milk, cause I'll do your body good!
He's partial to: Do you have a boyfriend? Do you cheat?
I have him trained for optimum tip-making. I told him he has to stop calling women "ma'am" and start calling all women "miss." He didn't get it, and no amount of explaining convinces him that "ma'am" implies AGE. But he does it, and the tips are flowing in.
I also told him that he can't suggestive sell after someone says "A medium regular and THAT'S IT." Ha.
Rookie.
Sorry, that's shop talk. I'll stop now.
Hello? People? Is anyone reading this? I wouldn't know! I DON'T GET ANY COMMENTS! Leave me comments. Please?
:)

I Want Too Much

2005-10-07T20:05:00.000-04:00

I just spent entirely TOO much money.
I've been doing that a lot lately. But in my own defense, it was less in a American money...
?
I bought a cowboy hat, because I have to go to that stupid hoedown next week, and if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it right! Dammit! I looked at cowboy boots, but the only reasonably priced pair I saw were only available in my size in TEAL. And you just don't wear teal cowboy boots. I'm trying again tomorrow afternoon. I also bought a red bandana which I will tie around my neck and I found a brown belt that I'm going to buy (because I actually need a brown belt) and I'm also going to buy a HUGE bling-y belt buckle with the letter K on it. For obvious reasons. I'm going to wear that with jeans, my brown-striped white shirt (tucked in) and my tan cord jacket.
This is a contest, people. And I'm gonna win it.
No, well, I probably won't. But I'm gonna try! It's only fair that the ONE American in the room (with a jeep named "Cowboy." HELLO!) goes ALL OUT for this event. There's just no such thing as a Canadian cowboy. I'm sorry, but there isn't. You don't ride horses across the tundra in parkas!
No, that's what huskies and dogsleds are for!
Getting back to the things I spent my money on today:
A flashlight and an alarm clock -- both justifiable purchases if you ask me. A little cordless optical mouse that changes colors and a big, bad game of crazy Tetris (not quite so easy to rationalize...) for Cobalt, my new laptop (also a bit of a spuratic buy, but in my opinion, TOTALLY worth it.).
And then there's the $40 I spent at the kiosk in the middle of the mall. This girl called me over in that way that you WANT to escape getting drawn in but you just can't do it politely, like when they are doing the "drawing" for the free home security system, so you sign up cause you feel bad, and then everybody wins one.
Yeah, just like that.
But she did this crazy buffy thing on one of my nails (the middle one of my left hand actually. I'm looking at it right now.), and did all the cuticle oil and lotion and everything, and it's INCREDIBLE! It's shinier than if I had used clear nail polish. I wish everyone could see it!
I'm such a sucker.
She knew that was gonna be an easy sell.
She did one nail, and started to go for another one and I just said "Um... OK."
I've GOT to work up some tolerance.
OK well, I'm going to go eat some dinner, AKA Subway. As usual.
Then I'm going to do my nails, play some Tetris on my laptop with my optical mouse, set my alarm clock and go to bed. :)
Wearing my cowboy hat.
Had to work that in somehow.

2005-10-05T09:13:00.000-04:00

You know what I hate?
I hate it when people say "extra-ordinary." That is not how the word extrordinary is spelled. Why is it pronounced that way? It doesn't seem like it should mean unusual or special. It sounds like it should mean especially normal. Although, I don't know how that could occur...
There is a guy on TV who just used the word (and continues to use the word) at every opportunity. I want to throw my shoe at the TV.
I have such a headache. I know I have to go get dressed, walk down and bring my suitcases upstairs (which sucks. SUCKS.) and then take a shower and get dressed in clean clothes.
I don't think the Centre knows I'm here. Agnes had told me that she wants me back in Canada for the 5th. Which I thought meant that I started work/training on the 5th and I needed to be back on the 4th and ready to work. But I haven't heard from them. So I'm going to stop in later, pick up my paycheck, open a bank account somewhere and set up my direct deposit with them. I'll just do my errands today and try to get my bearings.
I haven't spent any decent amount of time in Canada in a month. Isn't that WEIRD?
At least I'm already 2 months through this ordeal. I know I have to go have a "meeting" with Michael and express to him my concerns about the Auburn opening.
And vice versa, I suppose.
He's going to get an EARFUL.
And I'm going to tell him that I won't be renewing my contract in January because I really need to be closer to home. I really need to be closer to my family and friends. There is just too much going on.
I also can't stand the idea that life is going on without me there. I know, it's stupid. But it's true! Just because I'm away, doesn't mean my life stops. It just means I'm not a part of it anymore. It's so depressing. Decisions are made without my input. I'm not even informed of what happens at my home and in my family because they can't call.
Just waiting out the remaining months.